Moving On Without Dad

My dad died when I was 21. I was still growing up and needed a dad, even though I had moved out on my own. Father's Day wasn't too bad; I was in a student single's ward. The only families that attended the ward were the bishopric's families. But the Father's Day sale ads were hard. I didn't have a dad to buy for anymore. And I had wish I had taken advantage of the gift giving while my dad was still alive. Maybe the reason I was so forgetful was Father's Day was always after school got out for the summer.

When I was 22, I joined a LDS sorority at Salt Lake Institute of Religion, even though I wasn't a student. One of the activity was a daddy daughter date. Most of the young women were able to bring their fathers since they either lived at home or not far from home. I asked Uncle Victor, my mom's uncle to be my dad for the evening. My mom would always visit him and his wife when we came to Salt Lake, so it made the choice a lot easier.  I felt a lot less awkward having him there.
I don't remember any other activities that involved a dad, except for maybe celebrating Father's Day at church when I attended a regular single's ward. Usually during sacrament meeting on the third Sunday in June,the assigned topic for talks would be about fathers. It didn't bother me too much, unless one of the opening or closing hymns was "O My Father" which was sung at my dad's funeral.  The first time, I heard it I made a bee line for the ladies room as soon I heard the person who was praying said Amen. Even after I attended a regular ward, I would wait until the opening prayer was said before going into the chapel if I noticed the opening hymn was "O My Father".
After 15 or 20 years, I got tired of not being able to celebrate Father's Day.  So I sent my younger brother, Steven flowers. He is dad and that act took some pain away. Steven doesn't always get a Father's present and when he does, it usually isn't flowers.

Since my mom's death I have another father figure. Not so much in my life, even though Jay, my youngest brother does drive me to Costco and other places. Jay has been my oldest brother's caregiver. Every month, Jay drives to the Magic Valley every month to buy Mike groceries and other things that are needed. During the warmer months, he does yard work. We all help out financially, but Jay contributes the most time to Mike's care.
The ads for Fathers Day are getting less painful, probably because I can delete from my email immediately instead of stuffing the ads behind the rest of the newspaper. And heck, it's been awhile since my dad's been away. Life does go on.

How Mother Teresa got through to me

Mother Teresa once said “If you judge people, you have no time to love them.”  In the past year I have seen the wisdom in what Mother Teresa said. Instead of sharing the experience that caused me reflect on what she said, I will share another experience.

UTA has three change days a year, in April, August and December. One August Thursday, I waited for the bus that never came. Since it was the first week of the change, I didn’t have a bus schedule with me, so I had no clue when the next bus would come. I called UTA to complain about the problem. The customer service was able to tell me when the next bus would arrive. She also told me that the drivers were new to the route. The driver that never came had been the driver on Tuesday and Wednesday, so I told the rep that the driver wasn’t new enough to get lost, unless it was a different driver. But it wasn’t because the next Thursday, it was the same brassy blonde on Tuesday and Wednesday and the Friday before.

The second Friday, this driver missed my stop again. Of course, I called UTA again to report the problem. I wanted to know if the bus had broken down, but the rep couldn’t say because this driver did not have on GPS. The bus she drove was one of the older buses.

When the next Tuesday came, I was convinced the driver knew it was me who complained about her no shows twice. She seemed to be less friendly toward me. So after a week or two, I started taking Trax from work and catching another bus at the Trax station to get home. As I rode Trax, I would watch her bus as she headed toward my work and then on the bus heading home, I would look for her again as she drove to the Trax station, just to see if she was running on time. Once, as I was heading home, the driver on the bus I was riding waved to her and she did just stared straight ahead. If looks could kill, the driver in the vehicle ahead of her would have been dead. (She wasn’t looking at the driver of the bus I was riding, so he would have escaped death.) I nicknamed the brassy blonde driver “Stoneface”

During this time, I was taking the bus from work on Monday. The driver was always on time. My ride home on Mondays was quicker than taking Trax from work and not because the driver was on time. It takes an hour with Trax as part of the route home, where just taking the bus home from work is forty minutes. So I decided in October to give this brassy blonde “Stoneface” driver another chance. I noticed that once I stopped finding fault with her that she improved. No, this brassy blonde didn’t change her behavior, but my opinion of her changed. What Mother Teresa said was true, if you judge someone, you have no time to love them. And you are most likely not able to see the good in the person.

Moms

In past year, I have gotten quite a bit of mothering from my sisters. I think because they are mothers, it just comes naturally to extend their mothering to me. Even on her own birthday, my younger sister was treating her daughter-in-law, granddaughter and me when we went to the zoo. Laura is buying lunch and paying our admission, quite oblivious to the fact that it is her birthday. I am glad her husband reminded her when we went out to dinner that night and when some of the best chocolate cake was delivered to the house. Otherwise, I think Laura would have forgotten her birthday just like my Mom would do.
Yes, they take after my mom or I should say our mom. It is what our mom did; she looked after us and extended her mothering to others and I find my sisters doing the same. My mom thought of others and she passed that on to us. Even before my mom got sick, my older sister was looking out for her siblings' welfare. Because of her own fight with cancer, Mary was able to help me understand what Mom was going thru 2012. And Laura stayed with Mom during her final days in Idaho and was there for Mom fought her battle in Washington. Laura took my place as the assigned caregiver. Mary eased my guilt by telling me that Laura was about the only sibling who was in a position to be Mom's caregiver.  Both Mary and I work full-time.
Yes, I am in debt to my sisters, who have been a mom to me throughout my life. It was Mary who talk me to pray. It was Laura who at six months, taught me about courage as she fought for her life.
And I am even in greater debt to our mom who showed us the way. Thanks, Mom for everything you have done for us, your children, your family and countless others. Your legacy will live on by those you touched.

I can't believe I did that

Shortly after my dad passed away, my roommate, Jan and her friend invited me to go rafting on the Snake River just outside Jackson, Wyoming. I'm not sure why I went, I am terrified of water. Heck, I even flunked swimming lessons when I was child because of my fear of drowning. I put on a brave face the whole trip, even as I got into the raft. As I sat down, I thought to myself "If I can survive an almost rollover on the freeway*,I can go down these rapids." During the whole ride down the river, my hands were firmly planted to the raft. I don't think I lifted a finger when the raft went around the bend for picture taking. When the raft turned toward the river bank, I was more than happy to see it. There is nothing like feeling solid ground under my feet.
About a year later, I had a different roommate. June had also been rafting down the Snake River. Instead of uneventful trip like I had, she was actually thrown off the raft. After hearing her story, I was glad I had heard it after I made my trip. Because there would have been no way that I would gone rafting in any rapids after hearing that story. Going down the rapids isn't for wimps, especially one who has a fear of drowning. I can't believe I did that.

*a month after my dad passed, I was driving to Idaho for the weekend, when I noticed my car had drifted out of the left lane, I over corrected and left the right lane facing oncoming traffic (which was hardly any). A fence stopped my car from rolling over.

Excerpts from my Lent Journal

2/11/14
I decided to give up chocolate for Lent. Originally I wanted to do it in January but I realized I wasn't ready when I saw how much chocolate I had stored. It was then that I realized Lent would be a good time to give up chocolate, even though it would be two weeks longer than January.
2/24/14
 Just from some of the Catholics I've known through out my life, I learned that Lent is the time for giving up something and eating fish and avoiding other meats on Friday. (I doubt I will do fish, because my breakfast place doesn't offer fish  for breakfast.)
And if by chance I accidentally eat some chocolate during Lent; I will just pick myself up and get back on the wagon. Because if I wait too long to forgive myself, I'll miss the wagon entirely. I might have to catch another wagon and it wouldn't be the same.
I've found out when I said I couldn't do something; I was able to do it, much to my surprise. And take it one day at a time. That is my plan for abstaining from chocolate.
2/26/14
I googled "Ash Wednesday" and I found that Catholics can't eat meat on that day and that is like Fast Sunday. One good meal and two snacks that so not add up to a meal. Well, almost like Fast Sunday. Mormons abstain from eating for 24 hours, which is two meals.
3/3/14
As I was leaving work, I realized that tomorrow is my last of chocolate for six weeks. I don't know if it hit me what I am giving up. I LOVE chocolate. I imagine it will be hard, but I made a choice. So maybe I will find options that aren't chocolate. And when the six weeks are up, how much chocolate will I consume? Will it be less or will it be more?
3/5/14
I made thru the first day of no chocolate. I was tempted when my co-workers and I went to the Park Building to say good bye to a co-worker in our division. There was chocolate cupcakes. At first I thought I could have one and then I remembered I gave up chocolate for Lent. Luckily there were other pastries available, so I was able to leave with some coffee cake. I am grateful for other options.
3/7/14
Yesterday, I found a co-worker gave up soda for Lent. My co-workers have been supportive. One co-worker didn't know when she gave me a chocolate cupcake covered with peanut butter frosting. I took it and told her I gave up chocolate, but I thanked her for offering it to me. In the afternoon, I licked off the frosting and put the rest of cupcake in a bag. When I got home, the cupcake went in the freezer. Hopefully I will remember to eat it on Easter.
3/11/14
It's been a week without chocolate. Just five more to go.  It has been hard, but it also been easier than I thought it would be. I'm learning to look for other options. And it has helped to be positive.
3/24
My co-worker caved in and had a soda. She was at a friend's house and all there was Pepsi and can a beer, so she picked the lesser of two evils and drank the Pepsi. Instead of jumping back on the wagon, she is drinking soda. But I am glad that she went without soda for as long as she did.
This reminds me of when we doing something not quite right and we give up. I've done that. After a year of working on being a team player at work, my boss told me that even though I had improved, I still wasn't a team player. I gave up and quit trying. I decided it was a goal that I would never obtain, so why try. I failed, so why keep trying. But we aren't asked to be successful, but to be faithful.
4/9
Ten more days and I'm looking forward to chocolate. I miss it. It is getting harder to resist, because it has been so long and it so close to the end. Reminds me of enduring to the end; staying faithful to the commitment I've made. It makes me realize a bit what engaged couples go thru. It probably gets hard right before the wedding. "Hey, we getting married tomorrow, why is one day." If I had chocolate now, it would be harder to forgive myself. Why get back on the wagon, when the destination is so close.
But it getting easier too. I only have ten more. I can do this. The light at the end of tunnel is visible. I wonder what chocolate I will eat first?
4/12
Last night after the dance concert, we stopped at Cold Stone for ice cream. When I looked at the menu, I panicked. Most of the menu items contained chocolate. But just like a month ago when I stopped in Top It, I looked for items that didn't contain chocolate. I may not many choices, but I can choose something. It is important in life to focus on what we have; it helps us to be more positive. Counting our blessings helps us not only be grateful, but realize the richness in our life. The only true broke person is one who is more focused on what he or she doesn't have instead of being more focused on what he or she has.
4/19
My last day of being chocolate-free. It seems weird.  Friday night after work, I put some granola bars in my bag. As I was getting into the cupboard, I moved the granola bars that I put in the back during Lent and moved them to the front. I took one out. It felt strange to think I could have this Monday morning for a snack. I didn't feel the guilt when I bought some Fiber One brownies at Costco today like I did before Lent.
I think when I break my chocolate fast, I will eat a Moritz Ice Cube. I remember eating those as a child; I think some of my birthday pennies for the Primary Children's Hospital purchased some Ice Cubes. I don't think I will be able to eat the Brown & Haley Mountain bar I purchased in Tacoma, February 17th. Brown & Haley shipped those to the soldiers who served in World War II. My dad served in Alaska and I bet he enjoyed a few.

Wall of Shame

I wrote this as an email to family members shortly after I started working for the University of Utah.

April 2005
 At the University of Utah, there is a Wall of Shame. It is front of the Marriott Library and will probably be destroyed tomorrow.  On the wall are words that people have been called, which have shamed them.  The pending destruction of the wall is probably symbolic of getting rid of the words of shame.
I first heard of the Wall of Shame on the news, don't ask me which channel, because I don't remember.  I was out for a walk on my afternoon break when I saw the Wall of Shame in the distance.  So I decided to check it out.  The first word, I saw was "retard".  It reminded me of the time when Crystal was leaving a message on my phone and her brother Darren picked the phone up to make a call.  When Jay and I both listened to the message, we heard "Crystal, you retard."  We both laughed, but even then I suspected Crystal was probably humiliated.  And when I saw the word, I thought of Darren's thoughtless and Crystal's shame.  Crystal is no retard and Darren was impulsive and didn't realized Crystal was leaving a message.  I am thinking that Darren has since repented and hopefully Crystal doesn't call anyone retard.
I read a few more words and phrases.  One phrase caught me by surprise and it brought an unpleasant memory back.  "R U LDS?"  I have had some people ask me if I was LDS; I could tell they were just curious.  Except for one time; it irked me that was from another LDS person who asked if I was active LDS.  After I had answered in the affirmative, she asked who else in the department was active LDS.  And being the fool, I told her that another person was.  Her question blew me away.  She was checking me out.  It wasn't enough to ask about my religion, but how involved I was with it and who else she could talk shop with.  Later this person asked me if I wanted to go to lunch with her.  I turned her down, thinking that the only reason she was asking me was because I was active LDS.  I don't like it when someone discriminates against me for my religion, but I don't when some favors me because of my religion.  It is just isn't right, it is conditional acceptance.
Later this person said to me during an argument, "And to think you're LDS."  Who was she to judge? Because I said earlier that I was active LDS, she was ranking me.  For some time after, I felt so unworthy; I was shamed.  Just because I wasn't a perfect LDS person.  Was she better than my friend and me?  No.
And that is what words of shame do.  They make you feel less than what you really are.  Just because someone calls you Fatso (another word of shame on the Wall.), doesn't mean you are bad or less than worthy.  It is the other person when putting down another person, is acting less than what they should be.  Crystal is bright and thoughtful young lady.  Darren is a humble young man, who shows gratitude.  And me, well, I am still LDS.  But you know what, I am a good person, just like everyone else.
As Reagan said in the 1980's, "Tear down that wall".

It's Shame

"I have had different thoughts each time when I watch this video. Sometimes I remember the times I was bullied. I remind myself that bullying or harassment takes place in every venue, not just our schools. But I realize each time I see it; how we don't always realize that we are bullying someone. I think that is who President Dieter F. Uchtdorf was speaking to when he addressed members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in April 2012, which is the back drop for this video."
(I posted this on Facebook sometime in March 2013, shortly after the church released the video "Bullying - Stop It")

When I was in 6th grade, I remember my classmate, Fred reading out loud someone's wrong answers. I was laughing along with the rest of the class until I recognized that the answers were mine. I was humiliated. I don't remember the teacher asking Fred to stop, but she didn't encourage it either. She just ignored him as if he wasn't saying anything. Who knows, she might have said something to him later. Fred picked on me (and probably others) quite a bit that year and even when we were in 7th grade.  On Patrick's Day in 7th grade, Fred went around pinching anyone not wearing green. I couldn't even use my green eyes as an excuse for not wearing green. I remember later looking thru my first yearbook and seeing my scribbles on his picture. Even though I never said anything to a teacher, another staff member or my parent; I resented what Fred did. Fred's family moved during the summer after 7th grade, so his torment ended. Maybe Fred was bullied at home or maybe he was bullied by other classmates, which could be why he picked on me.
Bullying doesn't just take place in schools. I've witnessed bullying in the workplace. It wasn't until a manager stood up to a bully that I realized I had been bullied years before. As I pondered the situation that I saw, I noticed the similarities. I remembered the shame and the unworthiness I felt when confronted by a former co-worker. When I told my former boss what was happening, I was not believed, because it was never physical and the co-worker never threatened me. I wasn't the only one punished by this co-worker; this person was also demeaning to other co-workers. This co-worker came from a bad marriage and I think that is why this co-worker had a chip on the shoulder and would shame others to feel better.
Years ago, I worked with a woman who wanted to be a boss. One by one, she would take a co- worker to lunch or on break and gossip about our boss. I fell into her trap by participating in the gossip. Eventually our boss left because of the tension. Soon after her employment ended, she had health issues. It wasn't until I saw the video put out by the church that I realized I had participated in bullying.
It isn't always physical or threatening, but bullying usually makes someone feel shame. Not everyone who shames another is a bully. I think those are why bullying is sometimes hard to recognize.  All we need to do, whether we are (or have been) bullied or we bully someone, is to "Stop It"  as President Uchtdorf instructed in April 2012. Be forgiving of ourselves for shaming others and forgive those who shamed us, which is easier said than done. I'm still working on forgiving Fred. I am beginning to enjoy St. Patricks instead of dreading the holiday; thanks to a co-worker who likes to plan potlucks for holidays and other celebrations.

My Opinion

I saw the movie "Frozen" the day after Valentine's Day, with some of my family in the Seattle area. Some of my Facebook friends recommended it and my nieces were looking forward to seeing the movie. As the show ended, I realized it wasn't the typical Disney re-telling of a fairy tell. For one, the usual Prince and Princess did not live happily ever after ending didn't happen, even though there was the usual romance. Even though the movie involved royalty, It was about sisters and the love that binds them. I enjoyed the movie and decided it was worth seeing again.
A week later, I was reading one of my favorite columnist from the Salt Lake Tribune, Robert Kirby. Apparently, he didn't realize that there was a gay agenda in the books he read during his childhood. Apparently "Frozen" had a hidden agenda, according Sister* Skaggs. What he wrote got me curious, so during lunch one day, I googled Well Behaved Mormon Woman. I didn't have time to read the blog, so when I came home that evening, I read it. Her blog post was very long. As I was reading it, I thought this woman was reading things into the movie that were just not there. I thought of Elsa as a very lonely person, not a lesbian because the movie did not provide a love interest for her.  Does Sister Skaggs think I am a lesbian because I'm a middle aged single adult who has never married or had children? That hurt, but I know there are small minded people in the world. I thought of message I gathered from the film. To me, it was about forgiveness, but mostly letting love heal our and other's brokenness.
As I thought of it more, I thought of the scripture that my sister's family was memorizing the week I was in the Seattle area. Ether 12:27 "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."  Elsa had the ability to freeze, which sometimes hurt others. At the end of the movie, Elsa had turned that weakness into a strength. With love, her freezing abilities helped others to experience the joys of winter, even in the summer.
I can see where a gay person would relate to Elsa, but I could also see anyone who faced discrimination or bullying in their life, identifying with Elsa. To me the message of "Frozen" was about letting go and letting love heal us. Let go of things that drag us down, like guilt, like pain, like depression, like low self-esteem, like anger, etc.
"A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another." John 13:34-35

*In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we refer to each other as brother or sister, although it isn't as common as it was in the 1970's. Usually at church, I am called by my first name, unless I am teaching Primary, then I allow myself to be called Sister Jackson.

Letting It Go

As I put away the coat I wore this winter, I remembered the pains I associated with it. I received the coat in January 2002 in preparation of participating as a volunteer in the Salt Lake Winter Olympics. During the next month, I wore the coat faithfully as I served in the games, which was only when I was volunteering. (And going to and from the venue that I volunteered at.) After the games were over I was free to wear it whenever and wherever I wanted. To church, shopping, to the library, traveling, to work.

But I never really wore it work, unless it was a Saturday. I took it home once to Idaho, so I could wash it, but the coat mostly hung in my closet in my closet for the next 12 years. I didn't feel worthy to wear it. I associated my Olympic coat with being a team player, something I was told by a boss that I wasn't, because I had problems getting along with some co-workers. Because I had been one of the longest working employees in my department I was suppose to set an example. It didn't matter if my co-workers were older than me or had more work experience than me. I had to be a flawlessly perfect team player, giving it more than a 110% effort.
After I left employment in that company, I still felt uncomfortable wearing it. I did wear it a time or two at my present job, but because waistline of the coat falls somewhere in my hips, I didn't like wearing while riding the bus. Getting my bus pass out of my pocket that was buried by the coat was awkward. During the past summer I started wearing my bus pass/employee ID on a lanyard around my neck. It was nice not having to reach into my pocket to get my bus pass. When it got cold I pulled out the Olympic coat instead my Eddie Bauer coat that I got at a clearance sale more than a decade ago. I was tired of having a cold breeze go up my back when I got off the bus, even though the coat came to my waist and allowed me use my pants pocket freely. After a week of wearing the Olympic coat, the old feelings of unworthiness came back to haunt me. No, I am still not 110% plus perfect team player in the office. I still have problems getting along with some co-workers. As I walking to the bus after work one day, I told myself that I had earned the right to wear the coat. I had worked three weeks at 2002 Salt Lake Winter Olympics as a volunteer and the coat was part of my reward. It was past time to let go of guilt.
And so I wore it my Olympic coat the rest of the winter. Unless the thermometer was reading 30 degrees. Then I wore my red University of Utah hoodie. After all, I am a team player.
(I did not wear my Olympic coat during the Sochi Olympics. It was hoodie weather the whole time. Even in Seattle when I wore my LL Bean fleece jacket.)