Letting It Go

As I put away the coat I wore this winter, I remembered the pains I associated with it. I received the coat in January 2002 in preparation of participating as a volunteer in the Salt Lake Winter Olympics. During the next month, I wore the coat faithfully as I served in the games, which was only when I was volunteering. (And going to and from the venue that I volunteered at.) After the games were over I was free to wear it whenever and wherever I wanted. To church, shopping, to the library, traveling, to work.

But I never really wore it work, unless it was a Saturday. I took it home once to Idaho, so I could wash it, but the coat mostly hung in my closet in my closet for the next 12 years. I didn't feel worthy to wear it. I associated my Olympic coat with being a team player, something I was told by a boss that I wasn't, because I had problems getting along with some co-workers. Because I had been one of the longest working employees in my department I was suppose to set an example. It didn't matter if my co-workers were older than me or had more work experience than me. I had to be a flawlessly perfect team player, giving it more than a 110% effort.
After I left employment in that company, I still felt uncomfortable wearing it. I did wear it a time or two at my present job, but because waistline of the coat falls somewhere in my hips, I didn't like wearing while riding the bus. Getting my bus pass out of my pocket that was buried by the coat was awkward. During the past summer I started wearing my bus pass/employee ID on a lanyard around my neck. It was nice not having to reach into my pocket to get my bus pass. When it got cold I pulled out the Olympic coat instead my Eddie Bauer coat that I got at a clearance sale more than a decade ago. I was tired of having a cold breeze go up my back when I got off the bus, even though the coat came to my waist and allowed me use my pants pocket freely. After a week of wearing the Olympic coat, the old feelings of unworthiness came back to haunt me. No, I am still not 110% plus perfect team player in the office. I still have problems getting along with some co-workers. As I walking to the bus after work one day, I told myself that I had earned the right to wear the coat. I had worked three weeks at 2002 Salt Lake Winter Olympics as a volunteer and the coat was part of my reward. It was past time to let go of guilt.
And so I wore it my Olympic coat the rest of the winter. Unless the thermometer was reading 30 degrees. Then I wore my red University of Utah hoodie. After all, I am a team player.
(I did not wear my Olympic coat during the Sochi Olympics. It was hoodie weather the whole time. Even in Seattle when I wore my LL Bean fleece jacket.)