The Emotional Disconnect - A Lost Sense of Belonging

Spring 2020 was when everything interrupted abruptly and the disconnect intensified. The world suddenly came to halt, thanks to the coronavirus that shut down business, closed schools and colleges and isolated everyone, especially the immunocompromised. The physical disconnection was noticeable, but the emotional disconnection was more subtle.  Some became wrapped up in their own little worlds during the pandemic ; they stopped listening; they stopped caring. 

The fear of the unknown increased. There were rumors of shortages and people hoarded as they stocked up on the essentials. Those who became infected the coronavirus were shunned. People were told to stay 6 feet away from each other. Misinformation ran rapid on social media. 

Loneliness quickly became another pandemic we dealt with as church services, concerts, sporting events, dining out, working out, and such came to an abrupt halt. Some stores stayed open, but with limited hours and limited capacity. No visitors were allowed inside at care centers and hospitals. People stopped socializing in person and instead used technology to connect. 

People experienced a loss of faith in humanity as Asians were discriminated because of where the coronavirus originated, and people some were labeled sheeples because they were obedient to public policy. The lack of trust increased as public officials were harassed because of the mandates imposed by the pandemic and the outcome of election. More hurt and disconnect happened as protests broke out in cities across America and the nation’s capital. 

Will the pandemic of loneliness become a permanent or will it become a thing of the past? As the country and world continue to reopen, will we continue to fall into our fears and stay disconnected? Or will we as humans reach out and reconnect with others? Will we draw circles to include others? 

                        

Praying & Fasting for Rain

Today my ward had a special fast for the drought conditions in the western half of United States;not just Utah, which is one of the drier states in the union.  It snowed on Thursday, the first since the end of December. I hoped that wouldn't stop people from fasting and praying for increased moisture. And then as I pulled into the church parking lot, I realized I would be happy for few good rain storms this spring, because it probably mean snow in the mountains.

I like that the bishop included other states and not just Utah. We all need the moisture, whether we live in a dry state like Arizona or Utah or whether our livelihood depends on water, like farming or the ski industry. We need water to survive; our very existence depends on it. We as humans, not only consume water, but we wash with it and we recreate and create with it. And water also nourishes our souls.

Years ago I was vacationing with some of my family on the Oregon coast and the Seattle area. Before my brother and I left for Seattle, Utah was experiencing hot dry weather. There were wildfires in the Uinta’s and other parts of the state. We both enjoyed the cooler weather in Oregon and the rain in Seattle. Some people in my sister’s ward complained about the rain, but I was glad to experience it, because I knew when I returned to Utah that I would knew my soul would be thirsty again. The rain quenched the thirst my soul had already experienced.

And I so I am glad that my ward had a special fast for drought conditions in the Western United States. There is hope and I have seen evidence of prayers being fulfilled. A few weeks ago, it snowed in Colorado. It wasn't much, but I am grateful that it was something. Southern Utah got snow last weekend. (The St. George area is one of the hottest spot in the state.) And I will keep the faith that more moisture will come in the months ahead, not just for Utah, but the other states who are suffering from the drought.

My Thanksgiving Post 2014

On the first Sunday of November, the Bishop bore his testimony. He spoke of gratitude as an attitude. It is more than being grateful for things. As I thought about what he said I thought how gratitude is thinking of others in a thoughtful way. The attitude of gratitude is noticing the good or searching for the good in life or our trials. It is also being glad for someone when something good happens, especially when the something good isn't happening for us. But I do believe that counting our blessings helps us to have an attitude of gratitude.

And probably realizing as Lou Gehrig did, we always have something to be grateful for. There is always something good going on in our life. As November continued, I found this to be true in my life also. Life hasn't gone as planed and I've had my share of burps, but I have been greatly bless through out my life. It is during the hard times that I have felt the love of my Savior the most. And have noticed the good shining through the stormy clouds.

Reading Bewteen The Lines

"For those who like to read between the lines; there are no words between the lines."

I don't know what inspired me to write this on my iPad. Maybe it was a acquaintance who took my actions out of context, but it could have been some politician or news commentary. When I started creating memes, this musing was one of the first I did. I decided to save it for upcoming election year, because people have a tendency to read between the lines when it comes to politics. 

What prompted this post involved what I posted on Facebook recently. I had wrote that I faced a fear. And someone assumed that I had a very traumatic and horrific experience. Sorry, but I was offended. And it hurt. Although I faced a fear, it was not that traumatic of an experience. I just a little bit freaked or uncomfortable at the reminders I experienced that day. When this person read between the lines, it did more harm than good, but I realize this person meant well and the actions were unintentional.
Reading between the lines is like leaping before you look. Judgement is being passed before the facts are known or without knowing all the facts. No one pulls onto the road before stopping and looking both ways. Assumptions are made easier when we read between the lines, maybe that is why we sometimes don't stop first and then assess before the words are out.

It is tempting to read between the lines as we try to make sense of something that has us confused, especially if it involves conflict. There were probably quite a few Utahans doing that last December when Judge Shelby ruled against Amendment 3. Why would a judge in Utah do that? Rumor had the man had a partner. He does and it is his wife. Some times in our haste to make sense of something that is confusing, we become impatient in our quest and share on social media the first thing that makes sense. And it isn't always the truth. Maybe to us it is the truth, but to others it might not be.

And I have found that to be the case from time to time. What made sense to me wasn't always the truth. There have been times when I was glad I withheld judgement because I realized what I thought was reading between the lines; what I wanted to say was better left unsaid. 

December 5th

It took more than a week to write the above and then after I published it, I wasn't ready to share it. I experienced some stress right after I published this and because of someone read between the lines, I was hesitant to post my concerns on Facebook. I wanted the prayers, but felt uneasy about posting anything on Facebook for fear that someone would read between the lines again. I did share my concerns with my sisters, all six of them. My sisters and three others formed my support team.

I also felt uneasy about sharing this on Facebook. I know the person who read between the lines meant well and I really did not want to cause this person any more guilt, so I delayed sharing this post,

I realize we all read between the lines. I do. I just hope that we (me included) can forgive ourselves when we do and hopefully pause before air our opinions. That is probably going to be hard in an election year. And yes, every year is an election year. Don't cities elect mayors in odd number years? And then there is always controversy. One does not have to look far to find something controversial to discuss. There is quite a bit of opportunity to read between the lines, so let's be slow in our judgments by listening first and to be willing to give the person the benefit of the doubt. And remember that our first impression may be a little off. Hey, we are all humans; none of us are prefect.

Just a little advice that one of my six sisters posted on Facebook a few years back. Not sure if it is a quote of hers or she got it from someone else, but I think she nailed when she posted this.

How Mother Teresa got through to me

Mother Teresa once said “If you judge people, you have no time to love them.”  In the past year I have seen the wisdom in what Mother Teresa said. Instead of sharing the experience that caused me reflect on what she said, I will share another experience.

UTA has three change days a year, in April, August and December. One August Thursday, I waited for the bus that never came. Since it was the first week of the change, I didn’t have a bus schedule with me, so I had no clue when the next bus would come. I called UTA to complain about the problem. The customer service was able to tell me when the next bus would arrive. She also told me that the drivers were new to the route. The driver that never came had been the driver on Tuesday and Wednesday, so I told the rep that the driver wasn’t new enough to get lost, unless it was a different driver. But it wasn’t because the next Thursday, it was the same brassy blonde on Tuesday and Wednesday and the Friday before.

The second Friday, this driver missed my stop again. Of course, I called UTA again to report the problem. I wanted to know if the bus had broken down, but the rep couldn’t say because this driver did not have on GPS. The bus she drove was one of the older buses.

When the next Tuesday came, I was convinced the driver knew it was me who complained about her no shows twice. She seemed to be less friendly toward me. So after a week or two, I started taking Trax from work and catching another bus at the Trax station to get home. As I rode Trax, I would watch her bus as she headed toward my work and then on the bus heading home, I would look for her again as she drove to the Trax station, just to see if she was running on time. Once, as I was heading home, the driver on the bus I was riding waved to her and she did just stared straight ahead. If looks could kill, the driver in the vehicle ahead of her would have been dead. (She wasn’t looking at the driver of the bus I was riding, so he would have escaped death.) I nicknamed the brassy blonde driver “Stoneface”

During this time, I was taking the bus from work on Monday. The driver was always on time. My ride home on Mondays was quicker than taking Trax from work and not because the driver was on time. It takes an hour with Trax as part of the route home, where just taking the bus home from work is forty minutes. So I decided in October to give this brassy blonde “Stoneface” driver another chance. I noticed that once I stopped finding fault with her that she improved. No, this brassy blonde didn’t change her behavior, but my opinion of her changed. What Mother Teresa said was true, if you judge someone, you have no time to love them. And you are most likely not able to see the good in the person.

Wall of Shame

I wrote this as an email to family members shortly after I started working for the University of Utah.

April 2005
 At the University of Utah, there is a Wall of Shame. It is front of the Marriott Library and will probably be destroyed tomorrow.  On the wall are words that people have been called, which have shamed them.  The pending destruction of the wall is probably symbolic of getting rid of the words of shame.
I first heard of the Wall of Shame on the news, don't ask me which channel, because I don't remember.  I was out for a walk on my afternoon break when I saw the Wall of Shame in the distance.  So I decided to check it out.  The first word, I saw was "retard".  It reminded me of the time when Crystal was leaving a message on my phone and her brother Darren picked the phone up to make a call.  When Jay and I both listened to the message, we heard "Crystal, you retard."  We both laughed, but even then I suspected Crystal was probably humiliated.  And when I saw the word, I thought of Darren's thoughtless and Crystal's shame.  Crystal is no retard and Darren was impulsive and didn't realized Crystal was leaving a message.  I am thinking that Darren has since repented and hopefully Crystal doesn't call anyone retard.
I read a few more words and phrases.  One phrase caught me by surprise and it brought an unpleasant memory back.  "R U LDS?"  I have had some people ask me if I was LDS; I could tell they were just curious.  Except for one time; it irked me that was from another LDS person who asked if I was active LDS.  After I had answered in the affirmative, she asked who else in the department was active LDS.  And being the fool, I told her that another person was.  Her question blew me away.  She was checking me out.  It wasn't enough to ask about my religion, but how involved I was with it and who else she could talk shop with.  Later this person asked me if I wanted to go to lunch with her.  I turned her down, thinking that the only reason she was asking me was because I was active LDS.  I don't like it when someone discriminates against me for my religion, but I don't when some favors me because of my religion.  It is just isn't right, it is conditional acceptance.
Later this person said to me during an argument, "And to think you're LDS."  Who was she to judge? Because I said earlier that I was active LDS, she was ranking me.  For some time after, I felt so unworthy; I was shamed.  Just because I wasn't a perfect LDS person.  Was she better than my friend and me?  No.
And that is what words of shame do.  They make you feel less than what you really are.  Just because someone calls you Fatso (another word of shame on the Wall.), doesn't mean you are bad or less than worthy.  It is the other person when putting down another person, is acting less than what they should be.  Crystal is bright and thoughtful young lady.  Darren is a humble young man, who shows gratitude.  And me, well, I am still LDS.  But you know what, I am a good person, just like everyone else.
As Reagan said in the 1980's, "Tear down that wall".

It's Shame

"I have had different thoughts each time when I watch this video. Sometimes I remember the times I was bullied. I remind myself that bullying or harassment takes place in every venue, not just our schools. But I realize each time I see it; how we don't always realize that we are bullying someone. I think that is who President Dieter F. Uchtdorf was speaking to when he addressed members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in April 2012, which is the back drop for this video."
(I posted this on Facebook sometime in March 2013, shortly after the church released the video "Bullying - Stop It")

When I was in 6th grade, I remember my classmate, Fred reading out loud someone's wrong answers. I was laughing along with the rest of the class until I recognized that the answers were mine. I was humiliated. I don't remember the teacher asking Fred to stop, but she didn't encourage it either. She just ignored him as if he wasn't saying anything. Who knows, she might have said something to him later. Fred picked on me (and probably others) quite a bit that year and even when we were in 7th grade.  On Patrick's Day in 7th grade, Fred went around pinching anyone not wearing green. I couldn't even use my green eyes as an excuse for not wearing green. I remember later looking thru my first yearbook and seeing my scribbles on his picture. Even though I never said anything to a teacher, another staff member or my parent; I resented what Fred did. Fred's family moved during the summer after 7th grade, so his torment ended. Maybe Fred was bullied at home or maybe he was bullied by other classmates, which could be why he picked on me.
Bullying doesn't just take place in schools. I've witnessed bullying in the workplace. It wasn't until a manager stood up to a bully that I realized I had been bullied years before. As I pondered the situation that I saw, I noticed the similarities. I remembered the shame and the unworthiness I felt when confronted by a former co-worker. When I told my former boss what was happening, I was not believed, because it was never physical and the co-worker never threatened me. I wasn't the only one punished by this co-worker; this person was also demeaning to other co-workers. This co-worker came from a bad marriage and I think that is why this co-worker had a chip on the shoulder and would shame others to feel better.
Years ago, I worked with a woman who wanted to be a boss. One by one, she would take a co- worker to lunch or on break and gossip about our boss. I fell into her trap by participating in the gossip. Eventually our boss left because of the tension. Soon after her employment ended, she had health issues. It wasn't until I saw the video put out by the church that I realized I had participated in bullying.
It isn't always physical or threatening, but bullying usually makes someone feel shame. Not everyone who shames another is a bully. I think those are why bullying is sometimes hard to recognize.  All we need to do, whether we are (or have been) bullied or we bully someone, is to "Stop It"  as President Uchtdorf instructed in April 2012. Be forgiving of ourselves for shaming others and forgive those who shamed us, which is easier said than done. I'm still working on forgiving Fred. I am beginning to enjoy St. Patricks instead of dreading the holiday; thanks to a co-worker who likes to plan potlucks for holidays and other celebrations.

My Opinion

I saw the movie "Frozen" the day after Valentine's Day, with some of my family in the Seattle area. Some of my Facebook friends recommended it and my nieces were looking forward to seeing the movie. As the show ended, I realized it wasn't the typical Disney re-telling of a fairy tell. For one, the usual Prince and Princess did not live happily ever after ending didn't happen, even though there was the usual romance. Even though the movie involved royalty, It was about sisters and the love that binds them. I enjoyed the movie and decided it was worth seeing again.
A week later, I was reading one of my favorite columnist from the Salt Lake Tribune, Robert Kirby. Apparently, he didn't realize that there was a gay agenda in the books he read during his childhood. Apparently "Frozen" had a hidden agenda, according Sister* Skaggs. What he wrote got me curious, so during lunch one day, I googled Well Behaved Mormon Woman. I didn't have time to read the blog, so when I came home that evening, I read it. Her blog post was very long. As I was reading it, I thought this woman was reading things into the movie that were just not there. I thought of Elsa as a very lonely person, not a lesbian because the movie did not provide a love interest for her.  Does Sister Skaggs think I am a lesbian because I'm a middle aged single adult who has never married or had children? That hurt, but I know there are small minded people in the world. I thought of message I gathered from the film. To me, it was about forgiveness, but mostly letting love heal our and other's brokenness.
As I thought of it more, I thought of the scripture that my sister's family was memorizing the week I was in the Seattle area. Ether 12:27 "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."  Elsa had the ability to freeze, which sometimes hurt others. At the end of the movie, Elsa had turned that weakness into a strength. With love, her freezing abilities helped others to experience the joys of winter, even in the summer.
I can see where a gay person would relate to Elsa, but I could also see anyone who faced discrimination or bullying in their life, identifying with Elsa. To me the message of "Frozen" was about letting go and letting love heal us. Let go of things that drag us down, like guilt, like pain, like depression, like low self-esteem, like anger, etc.
"A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another." John 13:34-35

*In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we refer to each other as brother or sister, although it isn't as common as it was in the 1970's. Usually at church, I am called by my first name, unless I am teaching Primary, then I allow myself to be called Sister Jackson.

Letting It Go

As I put away the coat I wore this winter, I remembered the pains I associated with it. I received the coat in January 2002 in preparation of participating as a volunteer in the Salt Lake Winter Olympics. During the next month, I wore the coat faithfully as I served in the games, which was only when I was volunteering. (And going to and from the venue that I volunteered at.) After the games were over I was free to wear it whenever and wherever I wanted. To church, shopping, to the library, traveling, to work.

But I never really wore it work, unless it was a Saturday. I took it home once to Idaho, so I could wash it, but the coat mostly hung in my closet in my closet for the next 12 years. I didn't feel worthy to wear it. I associated my Olympic coat with being a team player, something I was told by a boss that I wasn't, because I had problems getting along with some co-workers. Because I had been one of the longest working employees in my department I was suppose to set an example. It didn't matter if my co-workers were older than me or had more work experience than me. I had to be a flawlessly perfect team player, giving it more than a 110% effort.
After I left employment in that company, I still felt uncomfortable wearing it. I did wear it a time or two at my present job, but because waistline of the coat falls somewhere in my hips, I didn't like wearing while riding the bus. Getting my bus pass out of my pocket that was buried by the coat was awkward. During the past summer I started wearing my bus pass/employee ID on a lanyard around my neck. It was nice not having to reach into my pocket to get my bus pass. When it got cold I pulled out the Olympic coat instead my Eddie Bauer coat that I got at a clearance sale more than a decade ago. I was tired of having a cold breeze go up my back when I got off the bus, even though the coat came to my waist and allowed me use my pants pocket freely. After a week of wearing the Olympic coat, the old feelings of unworthiness came back to haunt me. No, I am still not 110% plus perfect team player in the office. I still have problems getting along with some co-workers. As I walking to the bus after work one day, I told myself that I had earned the right to wear the coat. I had worked three weeks at 2002 Salt Lake Winter Olympics as a volunteer and the coat was part of my reward. It was past time to let go of guilt.
And so I wore it my Olympic coat the rest of the winter. Unless the thermometer was reading 30 degrees. Then I wore my red University of Utah hoodie. After all, I am a team player.
(I did not wear my Olympic coat during the Sochi Olympics. It was hoodie weather the whole time. Even in Seattle when I wore my LL Bean fleece jacket.)

Forgiveness - My Thoughts

“He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love.”― Martin Luther King Jr. 

Over the past year, I have thought a lot about forgiveness. I even attended a workshop (or class) at LDS Single Adult Conference in May about forgiveness. It is one of the hardest commandments to live. Forgiving others is a constant battle for me. A few years back, I found myself saying “Susan, you don’t have to like that person, just don’t wish that person ill.” I found the anger inside leaving and kinder thoughts about that person being more frequent.  

I have seen examples in my life and I have read and heard stories of how the lack of forgiveness can affect lives and the lives of others. Recently over the pulpit, I have heard the story “A Piece of String”. A man was accused of robbery when he bent down to pick up a piece of string. Eventually he was released from prison when his innocence was discovered. But he never forgave those who put him in prison and would remind people quite a bit of why he was falsely imprisoned. On his death bed, this bitter man was still repeating the story of picking up a piece of string.  

Earlier in the year, I  read “Let It Go: A True Story of Tragedy and Forgiveness” by Chris Williams. It is a true account of what happen when he lost his wife and two children to a drunk driver. His first thoughts right after the accident was to forgive. At the time of the accident, Chris Williams did not know that the drunk driver lived in the same LDS ward as his wife’s parents. At the time this happened, I was a member of this same ward. Instead of the event dividing the ward, it united the ward. I am grateful that Chris Williams forgave. His decision to forgive affected more than his family. 

I thought of a friend, who passed away a year ago. When we worked together at the insurance company, we clashed. One December day, after both left the insurance company, I saw her at the temple. It was like whatever bad between us had happen was dissolved. What happened at the insurance company stayed there and was never mentioned. No apologies mentioned, but then the apologies weren't needed. We both let go of the anger and whatever bad was between us. She gave me a second chance and forgave me for being human. The atonement was able to work in our lives.

My Thoughts

A couple in my ward returned from their mission in Africa. Sister Curtis mentioned the good Nelson Mandela has done for South Africa and rest of Africa. Although apartheid is still alive; Nelson Mandela has done much for uniting Africa.  In Saturday's Salt Lake Tribune, The Associated Press quoted Learoto Moloi, which echoed what Sister Curtis said in church,  "For many years now, South Africans have got along with one another largely peacefully without Mr. Mandela having been active in the political sphere. In fact, Mr. Mandela's passing may be cause for many to reflect on the remarkably peaceful and swift racial integration of many parts of society, including schools, suburbs, universities, and workplaces." Moloi also said "Mr. Mandela will be viewed by many as having played a pivotal role in creating such a society." I like the words Bishop Desmond that were quoted earlier in the same article "The sun will rise tomorrow and the next day and the next. It may not appear as bright as yesterday, but life will carry on."
I was a full-time student at the University of Utah when Nelson Mandela was imprisoned. Some of the students protested South Africa's apartheid by constructing shanties on a piece of lawn between the Union and Orson Spencer Hall that faced the Marriott Library. The intent of the shanties was to leave them there until apartheid ended or Mr. Mandela was released, but the shanties were long gone before Mr. Mandela was released. The students may have also been protesting the support that American companies were investing in the South African government. Even though the mission of the student protest may not have been realized, it is a reminder of the global influence that Nelson Mandela had. I hope that Mr. Mandela's work will continue, not just in Africa, but here on American continents and the world. Racial, ethnic and gender inequality anywhere is unethical. "Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God;" Doctrine and Covenants 18:10

November on Facebook

Someone on Facebook must have posted a 30 day challenge in which people would express their gratitude daily. I saw a few doing this and I thought why not. So I posted each day, starting on a Sunday and ended 28 days later on the 30th. This was my list.

November 2, 2013

Quote by Marcus Tullius Cicero

"Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others."

Quote by Gordon B. Hinckley

"Gratitude is a sign of maturity...Where there is appreciation: there is also courtesy and concern for the rights and property of others."

November 3, 2013 Today, I looked out the window and saw that the sun had come to visit. This was a pleasant surprise because it was snowing earlier that morning. Don't worry, the snow didn't stick to the ground, so driving was okay. That is my gratitude quote for today.

November 4, 2013 As I was getting ready this morning at work, I thought briefly of things I didn’t have growing up or what I don’t have now. But instead of being depressed, I realized how blessed I was. My parents struggled to make ends meet, but never did or my siblings felt deprived or less than others because Santa didn’t bring us much for Christmas. I live in a economically diverse ward (LDS neighborhood congregation) that also has different kinds of families. But I don’t feel like an outsider because I make less than I did 10 years ago or because I don’t have children. My parents taught by example – They didn’t act like have-nots and that helped me realized I am blessed. I have a roof over my head, I have a job. I have friends; I have family. I am blessed and for that I am grateful

November 5, 2013 one of the things I like best about the time change; enjoying the sun set while I am still on campus

It's the 1st Tuesday of November, so I am grateful to be able to vote. (It was a city election)

November 6, 2013 Today is a friend's birthday, who has moved on. I miss her, but hey, she is in a better place now; not suffering, but watching over loved ones. I am grateful for getting to know her better after we both left the insurance company we worked for. I am grateful for that second chance. She really was a good and kind person.

November 7, 2013 so grateful for those who have forgiven me for being a human. It is such a healing process for me to know there are second chances.

November 8, 2013 Tonight I am grateful for weekends. We all need a break from work.

November 9, 2013 Grateful for the kindness of others.

November 10, 2013 I am grateful for the diversity in my extended family. I have been taught tolerance, understanding and acceptance.

Quote by John F. Kennedy

"We must find time to stop and thank the people who make a difference in our lives."

November 11, 2013 Thanks to all the vets! That includes Joe.
I forgot to thank one vet and that is my dad. He served in Alaska during World War II. Years ago, his sister, Isabelle sent his letters to me. I didn't learn much of what went on in Alaska, but it was nice to read his letters. As a result of serving in cold Alaska, my dad lost his hearing. He taught me compassion. Thank you, Hyrum Lafayette Jackson for serving our country and for the sacrifices you made.

November 12, 2013 Tonight I went to the church to help tie some fleece blankets for the Granite Foundation with some other women in my ward. One of the blankets I tied was a purple print fleece. It reminded me of my nieces. Someone in their ward or stake did a Sub for Santa one year for them. And then I remember someone leaving a box of food at our door. All we knew that it was anonymous neighbor because by the time we answer the door, the person was gone. I am glad for those serve their fellow man because as it says in the scriptures when you serve others, you serve God.

November 13, 2013 Grateful for little Sister Pugh. She isn't afraid to say what needs to be said or do what is needed.

November 14, 2013 I'm thankful for the example my parents set for me. Live simply, give and be content with what I have.

Today I was able to notice the clouds and sun setting as I walked to the bus. The haze has blocked the view that last 2 days. So grateful for clear colorful skies.

November 15, 2013 I am thankful for sunsets and sunrise. I am reminded to see the beauty in life and to take the time to pause.

I'm grateful for music. It has comforted me; has been an inspiration. It has offered me smiles and opportunities to ponder.

November 16, 2013 "Because I've Been Given Much" is one of my favorite hymns. I am reminded of how blessed I am and as the hymn says "I too must give". In July 1993, Jay and I were evacuated from our apartment complex because heavy rains leaking through some roofs that were under construction. My friend, Jewel Pugh let us stay with her family until we found another place to live, despite that her kitchen was being remodeled. Because of that act of kindness, I found the need to pay it forward. Her children, including Crystal who was a year away from making her earthly debut at the time of my homelessness, got quite a few Happy Meals from McDonalds and dinners at Cafe Rio and Panda Express. But I also found myself donating to food drive, giving to Red Cross and Road Home. When I started working at the University of Utah, I noticed that the Campus Store (aka Book Store) did a Utah Food Bank drive. So every time, I visit Ralph (or one of his co-workers) during November I fill out a red & white donation post card. I usually write someone's else name. Like a co-worker who is on maternity leave and even got a former U.S. president yesterday. (Someone else used "George Clooney"). It is something I have to do because others have taken care of me when I needed it.

November 17, 2013 I can't really think of one single thing that I can put in words that I am grateful for today. So I will just post that I am thankful for what I have, which is a lot when it gets right down to it.

November 18, 2013 When I got off the bus one morning last week, a woman asked where the other person was. I said I hadn't seen her all week. She then mentioned that other person seemed so sad all the time. She did mention that life elsewhere can be worse than what her life is. I said that is so true. As we went our separate ways, I realized I was grateful for gratitude and that I was able to portray a positive attitude. My mother showed me by her quiet example to focus on what I had and not what I didn't have. I don't know why the other person seldom smiles; I felt sad that her countenance gives people the wrong impression. Like her, I don't how my countenance affects others, but I am glad that others notice a cheerful outlook even when I'm not fully awake. I think that having a grateful attitude makes a difference. And this morning as I got my breakfast at the Union. When I saw the other person, she smiled back. Maybe she is just as asleep as me or maybe she just needs a smile every now and then.

I like the gratitude posts I see on Facebook. It is inspiring and uplifting. Thanks to whoever started it.

Quote by Deitrich Bonhoeffer

"In ordinary life we hardly realize that we receive a great deal more than we give, and that it is only with gratitude that life becomes rich."

Quote by Kahill Gibran

"You pray in your distress and in your need; would that you might pray also in the fullness of your joy and in your days of abundance."

Woke up, couldn't find my other shoe until the last moment. Made it to the bus stop in time. Got on the bus and it tried to die. But after 10 minutes, the driver revived it. While I sat on the bus with others, I asked myself if it would be a bad day. Then I remember the cliche "Never judge a day by the morning." The alarm kept going off on the bus, indicating the bus still had issues as it continued on the route. Thanks to the freeway portion on the route, I got to campus at 7:30. I still had time to get breakfast at the Union. Despite the rough start, my day was okay. So glad I had that cliche to set me straight. "Never judge a day by the morning." — feeling good.

I like the gratitude posts I see on Facebook. It is inspiring and uplifting. Thanks to whoever started it.

November 19, 2013 I'm so lucky. I have a tendency to spoil my nieces and nephews and it has gotten worse as I aged. But despite it all, Tracina has never shown an attitude because I gave more to her daughters or brothers than her. I think she realizes that my income increased after I finished college. Thanks, Tracina for being understanding and not judging me.

November 20, 2013 I'm thankful for Popcorn Wednesday!

November 21, 2013 Thankful for a warm home tonight.

I am thankful I got home safely tonight. The route I took home tonight goes past the mouth of Parleys Canyon where the wind likes to get a bit nasty at times. It was blowing pretty hard while I was waiting for the bus, so I am glad the wind didn't run the bus off the road in that area.

November 22, 2013 I'm grateful for gentlemen and tender mercies. I got on Trax and the seats disappeared quickly. Because I have poor sense of balance, I need to sit or stand against a wall when in a moving vehicle or elevator. As I got to a spot to stand, a middle aged man tapped me and offered me his seat. Then when we got to Courthouse stop, another man offered his seat to an older woman who had just got on. Yes, women, there are still gentlemen in the world.

November 23, 2013 Grateful for a warm bed.

And I forgot the blankets that my sisters gave me and the quilt my mom made me.

November 24, 2013 I'm grateful for the little miracles that happen daily and God hears the desires of my heart.

Usually on a Sunday morning, I pack lotion in my scripture bag when I go to church. But because it was Stake Conference, I took my iPad. It has another set of scriptures, a hymn book and a note app. My iPad bag had just enough room for my cellphone, keys and a small package of tissues. Before the meeting started, I had to visit the ladies' room. As I washed hands, I noticed they seem dry. I realized that by washing again, my hands would be more dry. I thought I would have to wear my gloves to combat the comfortableness. But I never got my gloves out of my coat pocket. As the meeting was ending two hours later, I realized my hands did not feel dry. It was a small miracle and I realized again that God does hear the desires of our hearts.

November 25, 2013 Grateful for my family who has a sense of humor. Blame it my parents and those who are related to them. Laughter is a good thing.

My cousins, David Jackson, Shiloh Jackson and Gayle Jackson were the inspiration for this. Thanks, guys, you saved my Monday.

November 26, 2013

Quote by Eckhart Tolle

"Acknowledging the good that you already have in your life is the foundation for all abundance."

Grateful for the times that my brother can be sane, understanding and whatever else a normal person is like. I never know what to expect when he calls or when I visit, but glad when he can be kind.

November 27, 2013 So glad for UTA. Thanks to them, I got to see the eye doc, pay a short visit to the vampire and even shopped at Walgreen's for toothbrushes and toothpaste. (Vampire was at lunch when I arrived to have some lab work done)

November 28, 2013 “There are none so impoverished as those who do not acknowledge the abundance of their lives.” Richard Paul Evans, A Winter Dream

What are you thankful for? Instead of the usual status question, this is the question that Facebook posed today. I am grateful that my brothers and I had a pleasant visit with my brother in Idaho. Dinner wasn't much, but it was last minute shopping. Having fish fillet from the frozen food section of Walmart is easy to fix. We were able to leave before the sun disappeared, so we got in a short visit with Mom. Before we got to the Idaho-Utah border, I got a picture of the sun setting. The Magic Valley has some of the best sunsets. And I am glad we got back before bedtime. Life is good.

And I am thankful that McDonald's was opened for breakfast on Thanksgiving. It was such a nice little surprise. So glad for little surprises.

Quote by Irving Berlin

"Got no checkbooks, got no banks. Still I'd like to express my thanks - I've got the sun in the mornin' and the moon at night."

November 29, 2013 I am thankful for days off with pay. There are times when I need a guilt-free rest from the stress of being employed.

Quote by Henry B. Eyring

"You could ask yourself, 'How did God Bless me today?' If you do that long enough and with faith, you will find yourself remembering blessings. And sometimes you will have gifts brought to your mind which you failed to notice during the day, but which you will then know were a touch of God’s hand in life.”

November 30, 2013 Grateful for spare change that is not in my purse anymore. McDonald's Ronald McDonald House Charities got all of it on Thursday, except for a dime. Now McDonald's Kleenex box size boxes have that dime and whatever I got since Thursday. Spare change does have it causes

Quote by Habeeb Akande

"Gratitude leads to a good attitude"

Waiting for the Shoe to Drop

18 years ago in the early part of 1995 (or the latter part of 1994, my brother Mike left Idaho for a few months. For a time, he rented a mailbox (not from USPS) in Henderson NV. He knew a young woman from his days working at JR Simplot’s. Apparently things didn’t work out and he headed to Woodland Hills in Southern California to visit my brother, Steven. He didn’t stay long before he headed out. It was our impression that he headed north to Washington State, but he never got there. For a few weeks, my family and I had no clue where he was or if he was alive. While he was gone, I had a dream that he had come home.  When I told a co-worker of my dream, I accepted the notion that he might have reunited with my dad. Then one March or April day, Mom called to say he had arrived at the house. All that I remember is that he lost a gun somewhere in Northern California or Oregon.  (He told Mom that it was stolen.) In the spring of 1995, Mike parked his Jeep in the back of house where the clothesline once was.  Mike hasn’t left the property since he returned home, except for a ride in Mom’s new car. Mom drove the car to northern property line of Dad’s farm (that was sold after Dad died). Mike will go out in the front yard to greet us when we come. When we had lunch at Mom’s a few years back, he helped with the yard work. This fall he put up a fence where the garden once was. While Mom was alive, she would get groceries and other necessities for him from town. When Mom left for Washington, a grocery fund was set up at Swenson’s in Paul. The plan was to have an employee deliver groceries to him while Mom fought cancer. But he never called in an order and when she had her funeral in Paul a month later, we bought him some groceries and visited with him. He doesn’t leave the property and mostly stays inside the house. My brothers and I make monthly trips to the groceries stores in the Mini-Cassia area. When we can’t a neighbor delivers groceries to him.

It is hard living with someone else’s mental illness. It is like waiting for a shoe to drop as it hanging by a shoe lace from the light fixture. Since my brother carries a gun with him at all times, we always make sure he knows when we are coming home. Even Mom felt threatened a few times when she come home from church or shopping trip. Years ago, there was a shooting at the Salt Lake Library. The person who held some of people hostage had a history of mental illness. At first, I blamed the family for not doing enough until I realized that my family and I were in similar shoes. I realized the pain they lived with and how helpless they felt.

Four years ago, I wrote my young friend while he was in the Mission Training Center in Provo, Utah. “Jay needs to write to my brother, so I better go.  My brother is undiagnosed paranoid schizophrenia and/or bipolar.  And my mom’s home teacher has asked we write to Mike on a regular basis.  Mike is one of the reasons that my brothers and I quit going home.  Mike disinvited some family members, so my Mom decided not to be partial.   I miss home, but I know I will get back there some day.  In the mean time, I just need to be understanding of Mike.”

I recently told another co-worker (I have a different employer than I did 18 years ago) that I have been mourning the death of my brother for 15 years. It is more of a loss than death. For one, Mike is still breathing.

But I miss the person Mike once was. He was a kind person who once gave me a teddy bear for Christmas when I was in junior high. I remember the evening before I left Idaho to go LDS Business College; he took me out for pizza. On the way home, one of his favorite songs Gordon Lightfoot’s “The Wreck of Edmund Fitzgerald” came on. He told me the background of the song. During my freshman year, I bought the album (a recording on black vinyl 12 inch disc). Since his return home, Mike has become fixated with murder. It is one reason that he carries a gun is because he feels threatened. He has accused Mom’s home teacher of murder and others too. When Baby X was found burned in a county landfill, he personalized that event. Last March, he was upset when a person drove from Pocatello to commit suicide on the lawn of a Mini-Cassia health facility. Mike hasn’t been the Mike I grew up with and I feel that loss every day.

It is difficult dealing with someone has a mental illness. But I am learning to hope and keep the faith. When resurrection happens, the old will be cast off and newness will come. And as I said to Elder Pugh four years, I need to be understanding and to have patience. I remind myself again and again, this too will pass.

*Please note, I am not in the pictures. That is my older sister, Mary, who happens to be a redhead like me.*

 I shared this on Facebook, but I thought I would include the video. It was the only video I saw, but I liked that included a clip from ABC News or whatever network Harry Reasoner was with in 1975.

Looking Back on 2012

When I was driving home from Christmas 1980, I heard Barry Manilow on the radio singing "I made it thru the rain" and it hit me. I made it thru a difficult year. I grew in unexpected ways. I had experienced trials before like death of a cousin, uncles and a neighbor before that awful year, but not this closely related. Looking back at that year, I realized at 22 years of age that I didn't want to go back to the life before December 26, 1979. Life before had it challenges, but none that had strengthen me like 1980 had. I learned what having faith was.
I wrote the above around the first of May 2012. I had attended a one session class about change. One of the bosses for our division at University of Utah strongly advised that the employees under her attend the class.. Little did I realize then that 2012 would be wrought with change. At the time, life was good and nothing on horizon indicated change. But as fate would have, things started happening during the summer that brought another big change in my life. My mom passed away from cancer.

In this summary, I will start at the first of the year, when life was calm. 2012 wasn’t all bad and I want to remember that, even though it was another year of growth. So glad I had that class when I did. 2011 would have been too early and 2013 would have been too late.  And like 1980, I feel like "I made it thru the rain" again. But then again, I still feel as if I will be still dancing in the rain when 2013. There is still unfinished business to complete.

We are doing okay. We enjoyed more blue skies in January than any other January in recent history. My iPad and cell phone documented this little known fact quite a bit.

Between Jay’s birthday and mine, I volunteered once more at the Race for the Cure. I helped out the day before the race activities. I had to pass a background check first because I took donations. It was at new venue this year. Because the race outgrew The Gateway, it had to be moved to Library Square. The numbers were down this year because of a certain beneficiary causing a controversy. But there was still a large turnout, thanks to those who have hope for a cure.

Summer was okay. There were more than usual range fires close to homes in Utah.(and Idaho and Colorado, my other home states.) Jay and I were never in danger, but others were. I didn't go anywhere, not even to Park City. Jay and John went home a few times. I don't like traveling during the summer that much. Too hot.
Things got a bit too eventful as fall approached. Three or four weeks after being diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, my mom left us to reunite with my dad. Although I didn't see her until a few hours after she passed, I did cherish the moments I got to hear her voice. It was weak, but thanks to my parents' sacrifice when I was twelve, I got to hear her voice. (I had an ear operation before I entered 7th grade.) My sisters took care of Mom in Washington, but the services were in Idaho where she is resting now.
Looking back on the past year, I find that I am grateful for kindness. Crystal was thrilled when she got a gift card to Cafe Zupas. Tracina thanked me for the Swedish Fish I threw in a package at the last minute. A lot of people sent my mom get well cards. Mom did her best to cheerful toward the nurses. My work gave me funeral chocolates instead of flowers. I liked that. But the most comforting kindness I knew that people were praying for Mom and my family in our time of need and being kind to my older brother even though he didn't deserve it.

Although I am glad 2012 is almost over, I am glad I went thru it. I've learned quite a bit and still will as I continue in 2013. Sorry the world didn’t end 12/21/12. Marty McFly went back to the future in 2015. For once Hollywood got it right.