I can't believe I did that

Shortly after my dad passed away, my roommate, Jan and her friend invited me to go rafting on the Snake River just outside Jackson, Wyoming. I'm not sure why I went, I am terrified of water. Heck, I even flunked swimming lessons when I was child because of my fear of drowning. I put on a brave face the whole trip, even as I got into the raft. As I sat down, I thought to myself "If I can survive an almost rollover on the freeway*,I can go down these rapids." During the whole ride down the river, my hands were firmly planted to the raft. I don't think I lifted a finger when the raft went around the bend for picture taking. When the raft turned toward the river bank, I was more than happy to see it. There is nothing like feeling solid ground under my feet.
About a year later, I had a different roommate. June had also been rafting down the Snake River. Instead of uneventful trip like I had, she was actually thrown off the raft. After hearing her story, I was glad I had heard it after I made my trip. Because there would have been no way that I would gone rafting in any rapids after hearing that story. Going down the rapids isn't for wimps, especially one who has a fear of drowning. I can't believe I did that.

*a month after my dad passed, I was driving to Idaho for the weekend, when I noticed my car had drifted out of the left lane, I over corrected and left the right lane facing oncoming traffic (which was hardly any). A fence stopped my car from rolling over.

Excerpts from my Lent Journal

2/11/14
I decided to give up chocolate for Lent. Originally I wanted to do it in January but I realized I wasn't ready when I saw how much chocolate I had stored. It was then that I realized Lent would be a good time to give up chocolate, even though it would be two weeks longer than January.
2/24/14
 Just from some of the Catholics I've known through out my life, I learned that Lent is the time for giving up something and eating fish and avoiding other meats on Friday. (I doubt I will do fish, because my breakfast place doesn't offer fish  for breakfast.)
And if by chance I accidentally eat some chocolate during Lent; I will just pick myself up and get back on the wagon. Because if I wait too long to forgive myself, I'll miss the wagon entirely. I might have to catch another wagon and it wouldn't be the same.
I've found out when I said I couldn't do something; I was able to do it, much to my surprise. And take it one day at a time. That is my plan for abstaining from chocolate.
2/26/14
I googled "Ash Wednesday" and I found that Catholics can't eat meat on that day and that is like Fast Sunday. One good meal and two snacks that so not add up to a meal. Well, almost like Fast Sunday. Mormons abstain from eating for 24 hours, which is two meals.
3/3/14
As I was leaving work, I realized that tomorrow is my last of chocolate for six weeks. I don't know if it hit me what I am giving up. I LOVE chocolate. I imagine it will be hard, but I made a choice. So maybe I will find options that aren't chocolate. And when the six weeks are up, how much chocolate will I consume? Will it be less or will it be more?
3/5/14
I made thru the first day of no chocolate. I was tempted when my co-workers and I went to the Park Building to say good bye to a co-worker in our division. There was chocolate cupcakes. At first I thought I could have one and then I remembered I gave up chocolate for Lent. Luckily there were other pastries available, so I was able to leave with some coffee cake. I am grateful for other options.
3/7/14
Yesterday, I found a co-worker gave up soda for Lent. My co-workers have been supportive. One co-worker didn't know when she gave me a chocolate cupcake covered with peanut butter frosting. I took it and told her I gave up chocolate, but I thanked her for offering it to me. In the afternoon, I licked off the frosting and put the rest of cupcake in a bag. When I got home, the cupcake went in the freezer. Hopefully I will remember to eat it on Easter.
3/11/14
It's been a week without chocolate. Just five more to go.  It has been hard, but it also been easier than I thought it would be. I'm learning to look for other options. And it has helped to be positive.
3/24
My co-worker caved in and had a soda. She was at a friend's house and all there was Pepsi and can a beer, so she picked the lesser of two evils and drank the Pepsi. Instead of jumping back on the wagon, she is drinking soda. But I am glad that she went without soda for as long as she did.
This reminds me of when we doing something not quite right and we give up. I've done that. After a year of working on being a team player at work, my boss told me that even though I had improved, I still wasn't a team player. I gave up and quit trying. I decided it was a goal that I would never obtain, so why try. I failed, so why keep trying. But we aren't asked to be successful, but to be faithful.
4/9
Ten more days and I'm looking forward to chocolate. I miss it. It is getting harder to resist, because it has been so long and it so close to the end. Reminds me of enduring to the end; staying faithful to the commitment I've made. It makes me realize a bit what engaged couples go thru. It probably gets hard right before the wedding. "Hey, we getting married tomorrow, why is one day." If I had chocolate now, it would be harder to forgive myself. Why get back on the wagon, when the destination is so close.
But it getting easier too. I only have ten more. I can do this. The light at the end of tunnel is visible. I wonder what chocolate I will eat first?
4/12
Last night after the dance concert, we stopped at Cold Stone for ice cream. When I looked at the menu, I panicked. Most of the menu items contained chocolate. But just like a month ago when I stopped in Top It, I looked for items that didn't contain chocolate. I may not many choices, but I can choose something. It is important in life to focus on what we have; it helps us to be more positive. Counting our blessings helps us not only be grateful, but realize the richness in our life. The only true broke person is one who is more focused on what he or she doesn't have instead of being more focused on what he or she has.
4/19
My last day of being chocolate-free. It seems weird.  Friday night after work, I put some granola bars in my bag. As I was getting into the cupboard, I moved the granola bars that I put in the back during Lent and moved them to the front. I took one out. It felt strange to think I could have this Monday morning for a snack. I didn't feel the guilt when I bought some Fiber One brownies at Costco today like I did before Lent.
I think when I break my chocolate fast, I will eat a Moritz Ice Cube. I remember eating those as a child; I think some of my birthday pennies for the Primary Children's Hospital purchased some Ice Cubes. I don't think I will be able to eat the Brown & Haley Mountain bar I purchased in Tacoma, February 17th. Brown & Haley shipped those to the soldiers who served in World War II. My dad served in Alaska and I bet he enjoyed a few.

Wall of Shame

I wrote this as an email to family members shortly after I started working for the University of Utah.

April 2005
 At the University of Utah, there is a Wall of Shame. It is front of the Marriott Library and will probably be destroyed tomorrow.  On the wall are words that people have been called, which have shamed them.  The pending destruction of the wall is probably symbolic of getting rid of the words of shame.
I first heard of the Wall of Shame on the news, don't ask me which channel, because I don't remember.  I was out for a walk on my afternoon break when I saw the Wall of Shame in the distance.  So I decided to check it out.  The first word, I saw was "retard".  It reminded me of the time when Crystal was leaving a message on my phone and her brother Darren picked the phone up to make a call.  When Jay and I both listened to the message, we heard "Crystal, you retard."  We both laughed, but even then I suspected Crystal was probably humiliated.  And when I saw the word, I thought of Darren's thoughtless and Crystal's shame.  Crystal is no retard and Darren was impulsive and didn't realized Crystal was leaving a message.  I am thinking that Darren has since repented and hopefully Crystal doesn't call anyone retard.
I read a few more words and phrases.  One phrase caught me by surprise and it brought an unpleasant memory back.  "R U LDS?"  I have had some people ask me if I was LDS; I could tell they were just curious.  Except for one time; it irked me that was from another LDS person who asked if I was active LDS.  After I had answered in the affirmative, she asked who else in the department was active LDS.  And being the fool, I told her that another person was.  Her question blew me away.  She was checking me out.  It wasn't enough to ask about my religion, but how involved I was with it and who else she could talk shop with.  Later this person asked me if I wanted to go to lunch with her.  I turned her down, thinking that the only reason she was asking me was because I was active LDS.  I don't like it when someone discriminates against me for my religion, but I don't when some favors me because of my religion.  It is just isn't right, it is conditional acceptance.
Later this person said to me during an argument, "And to think you're LDS."  Who was she to judge? Because I said earlier that I was active LDS, she was ranking me.  For some time after, I felt so unworthy; I was shamed.  Just because I wasn't a perfect LDS person.  Was she better than my friend and me?  No.
And that is what words of shame do.  They make you feel less than what you really are.  Just because someone calls you Fatso (another word of shame on the Wall.), doesn't mean you are bad or less than worthy.  It is the other person when putting down another person, is acting less than what they should be.  Crystal is bright and thoughtful young lady.  Darren is a humble young man, who shows gratitude.  And me, well, I am still LDS.  But you know what, I am a good person, just like everyone else.
As Reagan said in the 1980's, "Tear down that wall".

It's Shame

"I have had different thoughts each time when I watch this video. Sometimes I remember the times I was bullied. I remind myself that bullying or harassment takes place in every venue, not just our schools. But I realize each time I see it; how we don't always realize that we are bullying someone. I think that is who President Dieter F. Uchtdorf was speaking to when he addressed members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in April 2012, which is the back drop for this video."
(I posted this on Facebook sometime in March 2013, shortly after the church released the video "Bullying - Stop It")

When I was in 6th grade, I remember my classmate, Fred reading out loud someone's wrong answers. I was laughing along with the rest of the class until I recognized that the answers were mine. I was humiliated. I don't remember the teacher asking Fred to stop, but she didn't encourage it either. She just ignored him as if he wasn't saying anything. Who knows, she might have said something to him later. Fred picked on me (and probably others) quite a bit that year and even when we were in 7th grade.  On Patrick's Day in 7th grade, Fred went around pinching anyone not wearing green. I couldn't even use my green eyes as an excuse for not wearing green. I remember later looking thru my first yearbook and seeing my scribbles on his picture. Even though I never said anything to a teacher, another staff member or my parent; I resented what Fred did. Fred's family moved during the summer after 7th grade, so his torment ended. Maybe Fred was bullied at home or maybe he was bullied by other classmates, which could be why he picked on me.
Bullying doesn't just take place in schools. I've witnessed bullying in the workplace. It wasn't until a manager stood up to a bully that I realized I had been bullied years before. As I pondered the situation that I saw, I noticed the similarities. I remembered the shame and the unworthiness I felt when confronted by a former co-worker. When I told my former boss what was happening, I was not believed, because it was never physical and the co-worker never threatened me. I wasn't the only one punished by this co-worker; this person was also demeaning to other co-workers. This co-worker came from a bad marriage and I think that is why this co-worker had a chip on the shoulder and would shame others to feel better.
Years ago, I worked with a woman who wanted to be a boss. One by one, she would take a co- worker to lunch or on break and gossip about our boss. I fell into her trap by participating in the gossip. Eventually our boss left because of the tension. Soon after her employment ended, she had health issues. It wasn't until I saw the video put out by the church that I realized I had participated in bullying.
It isn't always physical or threatening, but bullying usually makes someone feel shame. Not everyone who shames another is a bully. I think those are why bullying is sometimes hard to recognize.  All we need to do, whether we are (or have been) bullied or we bully someone, is to "Stop It"  as President Uchtdorf instructed in April 2012. Be forgiving of ourselves for shaming others and forgive those who shamed us, which is easier said than done. I'm still working on forgiving Fred. I am beginning to enjoy St. Patricks instead of dreading the holiday; thanks to a co-worker who likes to plan potlucks for holidays and other celebrations.