Excerpts from my Lent Journal

2/11/14
I decided to give up chocolate for Lent. Originally I wanted to do it in January but I realized I wasn't ready when I saw how much chocolate I had stored. It was then that I realized Lent would be a good time to give up chocolate, even though it would be two weeks longer than January.
2/24/14
 Just from some of the Catholics I've known through out my life, I learned that Lent is the time for giving up something and eating fish and avoiding other meats on Friday. (I doubt I will do fish, because my breakfast place doesn't offer fish  for breakfast.)
And if by chance I accidentally eat some chocolate during Lent; I will just pick myself up and get back on the wagon. Because if I wait too long to forgive myself, I'll miss the wagon entirely. I might have to catch another wagon and it wouldn't be the same.
I've found out when I said I couldn't do something; I was able to do it, much to my surprise. And take it one day at a time. That is my plan for abstaining from chocolate.
2/26/14
I googled "Ash Wednesday" and I found that Catholics can't eat meat on that day and that is like Fast Sunday. One good meal and two snacks that so not add up to a meal. Well, almost like Fast Sunday. Mormons abstain from eating for 24 hours, which is two meals.
3/3/14
As I was leaving work, I realized that tomorrow is my last of chocolate for six weeks. I don't know if it hit me what I am giving up. I LOVE chocolate. I imagine it will be hard, but I made a choice. So maybe I will find options that aren't chocolate. And when the six weeks are up, how much chocolate will I consume? Will it be less or will it be more?
3/5/14
I made thru the first day of no chocolate. I was tempted when my co-workers and I went to the Park Building to say good bye to a co-worker in our division. There was chocolate cupcakes. At first I thought I could have one and then I remembered I gave up chocolate for Lent. Luckily there were other pastries available, so I was able to leave with some coffee cake. I am grateful for other options.
3/7/14
Yesterday, I found a co-worker gave up soda for Lent. My co-workers have been supportive. One co-worker didn't know when she gave me a chocolate cupcake covered with peanut butter frosting. I took it and told her I gave up chocolate, but I thanked her for offering it to me. In the afternoon, I licked off the frosting and put the rest of cupcake in a bag. When I got home, the cupcake went in the freezer. Hopefully I will remember to eat it on Easter.
3/11/14
It's been a week without chocolate. Just five more to go.  It has been hard, but it also been easier than I thought it would be. I'm learning to look for other options. And it has helped to be positive.
3/24
My co-worker caved in and had a soda. She was at a friend's house and all there was Pepsi and can a beer, so she picked the lesser of two evils and drank the Pepsi. Instead of jumping back on the wagon, she is drinking soda. But I am glad that she went without soda for as long as she did.
This reminds me of when we doing something not quite right and we give up. I've done that. After a year of working on being a team player at work, my boss told me that even though I had improved, I still wasn't a team player. I gave up and quit trying. I decided it was a goal that I would never obtain, so why try. I failed, so why keep trying. But we aren't asked to be successful, but to be faithful.
4/9
Ten more days and I'm looking forward to chocolate. I miss it. It is getting harder to resist, because it has been so long and it so close to the end. Reminds me of enduring to the end; staying faithful to the commitment I've made. It makes me realize a bit what engaged couples go thru. It probably gets hard right before the wedding. "Hey, we getting married tomorrow, why is one day." If I had chocolate now, it would be harder to forgive myself. Why get back on the wagon, when the destination is so close.
But it getting easier too. I only have ten more. I can do this. The light at the end of tunnel is visible. I wonder what chocolate I will eat first?
4/12
Last night after the dance concert, we stopped at Cold Stone for ice cream. When I looked at the menu, I panicked. Most of the menu items contained chocolate. But just like a month ago when I stopped in Top It, I looked for items that didn't contain chocolate. I may not many choices, but I can choose something. It is important in life to focus on what we have; it helps us to be more positive. Counting our blessings helps us not only be grateful, but realize the richness in our life. The only true broke person is one who is more focused on what he or she doesn't have instead of being more focused on what he or she has.
4/19
My last day of being chocolate-free. It seems weird.  Friday night after work, I put some granola bars in my bag. As I was getting into the cupboard, I moved the granola bars that I put in the back during Lent and moved them to the front. I took one out. It felt strange to think I could have this Monday morning for a snack. I didn't feel the guilt when I bought some Fiber One brownies at Costco today like I did before Lent.
I think when I break my chocolate fast, I will eat a Moritz Ice Cube. I remember eating those as a child; I think some of my birthday pennies for the Primary Children's Hospital purchased some Ice Cubes. I don't think I will be able to eat the Brown & Haley Mountain bar I purchased in Tacoma, February 17th. Brown & Haley shipped those to the soldiers who served in World War II. My dad served in Alaska and I bet he enjoyed a few.

Wall of Shame

I wrote this as an email to family members shortly after I started working for the University of Utah.

April 2005
 At the University of Utah, there is a Wall of Shame. It is front of the Marriott Library and will probably be destroyed tomorrow.  On the wall are words that people have been called, which have shamed them.  The pending destruction of the wall is probably symbolic of getting rid of the words of shame.
I first heard of the Wall of Shame on the news, don't ask me which channel, because I don't remember.  I was out for a walk on my afternoon break when I saw the Wall of Shame in the distance.  So I decided to check it out.  The first word, I saw was "retard".  It reminded me of the time when Crystal was leaving a message on my phone and her brother Darren picked the phone up to make a call.  When Jay and I both listened to the message, we heard "Crystal, you retard."  We both laughed, but even then I suspected Crystal was probably humiliated.  And when I saw the word, I thought of Darren's thoughtless and Crystal's shame.  Crystal is no retard and Darren was impulsive and didn't realized Crystal was leaving a message.  I am thinking that Darren has since repented and hopefully Crystal doesn't call anyone retard.
I read a few more words and phrases.  One phrase caught me by surprise and it brought an unpleasant memory back.  "R U LDS?"  I have had some people ask me if I was LDS; I could tell they were just curious.  Except for one time; it irked me that was from another LDS person who asked if I was active LDS.  After I had answered in the affirmative, she asked who else in the department was active LDS.  And being the fool, I told her that another person was.  Her question blew me away.  She was checking me out.  It wasn't enough to ask about my religion, but how involved I was with it and who else she could talk shop with.  Later this person asked me if I wanted to go to lunch with her.  I turned her down, thinking that the only reason she was asking me was because I was active LDS.  I don't like it when someone discriminates against me for my religion, but I don't when some favors me because of my religion.  It is just isn't right, it is conditional acceptance.
Later this person said to me during an argument, "And to think you're LDS."  Who was she to judge? Because I said earlier that I was active LDS, she was ranking me.  For some time after, I felt so unworthy; I was shamed.  Just because I wasn't a perfect LDS person.  Was she better than my friend and me?  No.
And that is what words of shame do.  They make you feel less than what you really are.  Just because someone calls you Fatso (another word of shame on the Wall.), doesn't mean you are bad or less than worthy.  It is the other person when putting down another person, is acting less than what they should be.  Crystal is bright and thoughtful young lady.  Darren is a humble young man, who shows gratitude.  And me, well, I am still LDS.  But you know what, I am a good person, just like everyone else.
As Reagan said in the 1980's, "Tear down that wall".

It's Shame

"I have had different thoughts each time when I watch this video. Sometimes I remember the times I was bullied. I remind myself that bullying or harassment takes place in every venue, not just our schools. But I realize each time I see it; how we don't always realize that we are bullying someone. I think that is who President Dieter F. Uchtdorf was speaking to when he addressed members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in April 2012, which is the back drop for this video."
(I posted this on Facebook sometime in March 2013, shortly after the church released the video "Bullying - Stop It")

When I was in 6th grade, I remember my classmate, Fred reading out loud someone's wrong answers. I was laughing along with the rest of the class until I recognized that the answers were mine. I was humiliated. I don't remember the teacher asking Fred to stop, but she didn't encourage it either. She just ignored him as if he wasn't saying anything. Who knows, she might have said something to him later. Fred picked on me (and probably others) quite a bit that year and even when we were in 7th grade.  On Patrick's Day in 7th grade, Fred went around pinching anyone not wearing green. I couldn't even use my green eyes as an excuse for not wearing green. I remember later looking thru my first yearbook and seeing my scribbles on his picture. Even though I never said anything to a teacher, another staff member or my parent; I resented what Fred did. Fred's family moved during the summer after 7th grade, so his torment ended. Maybe Fred was bullied at home or maybe he was bullied by other classmates, which could be why he picked on me.
Bullying doesn't just take place in schools. I've witnessed bullying in the workplace. It wasn't until a manager stood up to a bully that I realized I had been bullied years before. As I pondered the situation that I saw, I noticed the similarities. I remembered the shame and the unworthiness I felt when confronted by a former co-worker. When I told my former boss what was happening, I was not believed, because it was never physical and the co-worker never threatened me. I wasn't the only one punished by this co-worker; this person was also demeaning to other co-workers. This co-worker came from a bad marriage and I think that is why this co-worker had a chip on the shoulder and would shame others to feel better.
Years ago, I worked with a woman who wanted to be a boss. One by one, she would take a co- worker to lunch or on break and gossip about our boss. I fell into her trap by participating in the gossip. Eventually our boss left because of the tension. Soon after her employment ended, she had health issues. It wasn't until I saw the video put out by the church that I realized I had participated in bullying.
It isn't always physical or threatening, but bullying usually makes someone feel shame. Not everyone who shames another is a bully. I think those are why bullying is sometimes hard to recognize.  All we need to do, whether we are (or have been) bullied or we bully someone, is to "Stop It"  as President Uchtdorf instructed in April 2012. Be forgiving of ourselves for shaming others and forgive those who shamed us, which is easier said than done. I'm still working on forgiving Fred. I am beginning to enjoy St. Patricks instead of dreading the holiday; thanks to a co-worker who likes to plan potlucks for holidays and other celebrations.

My Opinion

I saw the movie "Frozen" the day after Valentine's Day, with some of my family in the Seattle area. Some of my Facebook friends recommended it and my nieces were looking forward to seeing the movie. As the show ended, I realized it wasn't the typical Disney re-telling of a fairy tell. For one, the usual Prince and Princess did not live happily ever after ending didn't happen, even though there was the usual romance. Even though the movie involved royalty, It was about sisters and the love that binds them. I enjoyed the movie and decided it was worth seeing again.
A week later, I was reading one of my favorite columnist from the Salt Lake Tribune, Robert Kirby. Apparently, he didn't realize that there was a gay agenda in the books he read during his childhood. Apparently "Frozen" had a hidden agenda, according Sister* Skaggs. What he wrote got me curious, so during lunch one day, I googled Well Behaved Mormon Woman. I didn't have time to read the blog, so when I came home that evening, I read it. Her blog post was very long. As I was reading it, I thought this woman was reading things into the movie that were just not there. I thought of Elsa as a very lonely person, not a lesbian because the movie did not provide a love interest for her.  Does Sister Skaggs think I am a lesbian because I'm a middle aged single adult who has never married or had children? That hurt, but I know there are small minded people in the world. I thought of message I gathered from the film. To me, it was about forgiveness, but mostly letting love heal our and other's brokenness.
As I thought of it more, I thought of the scripture that my sister's family was memorizing the week I was in the Seattle area. Ether 12:27 "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."  Elsa had the ability to freeze, which sometimes hurt others. At the end of the movie, Elsa had turned that weakness into a strength. With love, her freezing abilities helped others to experience the joys of winter, even in the summer.
I can see where a gay person would relate to Elsa, but I could also see anyone who faced discrimination or bullying in their life, identifying with Elsa. To me the message of "Frozen" was about letting go and letting love heal us. Let go of things that drag us down, like guilt, like pain, like depression, like low self-esteem, like anger, etc.
"A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another." John 13:34-35

*In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we refer to each other as brother or sister, although it isn't as common as it was in the 1970's. Usually at church, I am called by my first name, unless I am teaching Primary, then I allow myself to be called Sister Jackson.

Letting It Go

As I put away the coat I wore this winter, I remembered the pains I associated with it. I received the coat in January 2002 in preparation of participating as a volunteer in the Salt Lake Winter Olympics. During the next month, I wore the coat faithfully as I served in the games, which was only when I was volunteering. (And going to and from the venue that I volunteered at.) After the games were over I was free to wear it whenever and wherever I wanted. To church, shopping, to the library, traveling, to work.

But I never really wore it work, unless it was a Saturday. I took it home once to Idaho, so I could wash it, but the coat mostly hung in my closet in my closet for the next 12 years. I didn't feel worthy to wear it. I associated my Olympic coat with being a team player, something I was told by a boss that I wasn't, because I had problems getting along with some co-workers. Because I had been one of the longest working employees in my department I was suppose to set an example. It didn't matter if my co-workers were older than me or had more work experience than me. I had to be a flawlessly perfect team player, giving it more than a 110% effort.
After I left employment in that company, I still felt uncomfortable wearing it. I did wear it a time or two at my present job, but because waistline of the coat falls somewhere in my hips, I didn't like wearing while riding the bus. Getting my bus pass out of my pocket that was buried by the coat was awkward. During the past summer I started wearing my bus pass/employee ID on a lanyard around my neck. It was nice not having to reach into my pocket to get my bus pass. When it got cold I pulled out the Olympic coat instead my Eddie Bauer coat that I got at a clearance sale more than a decade ago. I was tired of having a cold breeze go up my back when I got off the bus, even though the coat came to my waist and allowed me use my pants pocket freely. After a week of wearing the Olympic coat, the old feelings of unworthiness came back to haunt me. No, I am still not 110% plus perfect team player in the office. I still have problems getting along with some co-workers. As I walking to the bus after work one day, I told myself that I had earned the right to wear the coat. I had worked three weeks at 2002 Salt Lake Winter Olympics as a volunteer and the coat was part of my reward. It was past time to let go of guilt.
And so I wore it my Olympic coat the rest of the winter. Unless the thermometer was reading 30 degrees. Then I wore my red University of Utah hoodie. After all, I am a team player.
(I did not wear my Olympic coat during the Sochi Olympics. It was hoodie weather the whole time. Even in Seattle when I wore my LL Bean fleece jacket.)

Two Brothers

My dad, Lafe and my Uncle Kelland were the youngest of five children. It wasn't until they were both gone from this world that I realized the love they had for each other. Probably the biggest example of that love was in the children who carried on that legacy. I don't think my siblings and I would have the relationships with my cousins that we do if my dad and my uncle hadn't been best friends.
Uncle Kelland's family lived in Blackfoot, Idaho for a time while I growing up. While Dad visited with his brother, we would hang out with our cousins, whether it was Blackfoot or Paul, Idaho. Often my uncle and my dad would turn to each other when help was needed. This was probably my first impression of the brotherly love that they had for each other.

Just after my brother, Jay and I bought a condo, Mom brought down some old family photos. Instead of taking them off her hands, I scanned them into the computer and eventually a flash drive. There was picture or two of Uncle Kelland's family at our place and some of my siblings with our cousins before my attended college in Idaho. (Uncle Kelland's family moved back to Manassa, Colorado before I finished grade school.) Even without internet access, my uncle and my dad remained close.

And I see that same effort in us, their children. We have connected on Facebook, even with my dad's sisters' children. From time to time, John, Jay and I will meet with our cousins who live in the Salt Lake Valley for a Sunday dinner or dine out at nearby restaurant. For awhile, John, Jay and I would travel to Manti to see the pageant. We would spend the night with Lannette. And  when there is a wedding or family event, we get together.

And it is because of the example that our fathers set for us. We reach out to each other because they did.

Reflections on Facebook's Birthday

Facebook is 10 years old. I'm not even sure that I knew the term "social media" in 2004. Sure I emailed and surf the internet and I maybe heard of MySpace. As I reflect back on 10 years since Facebook was around, I realize the changes that I have made.
In 2004, I was already going thru a big change. The division I worked for at Regence Blue Cross/Blue Shield of Utah was down-sizing and I was apart of the down-sizing. It was year from hell, but when I think of 2004, what I remember the most is a Jackson family reunion. I traveled to southern Colorado with my brothers for a family reunion with some of my cousins, which was actually a Jackson brothers reunion. I saw kindness. Tyler, Emmalee's son was hung out with my nephews, Spencer and Brennan, who were younger than him. Coach Jackson got quite a few to run in the Manassa 5k. Pioneer Day was being celebrated in Manassa, almost like it was in Utah. William took us on Jackson Family history tour. I got to see the places my great grandparents and grandparents lived and worked. That Saturday night, we watched the Manassa fireworks from my aunt's backyard. And before I left that weekend, I discovered that my dad wasn't all English-American. Like his siblings, he passed on a French heritage and I found out why my Grandpa Jackson was Lafayette. Although Lafayette's mother was born in England, she was still proud of her French heritage. And I am too.
Since 2004, I have experienced joys and sorrows. Shortly after the new year (2005) started, I walked out of Blue Cross one final time as an employee. Just before April's Fools day, I entered full time employment at the University of Utah. I had worked as an usher at the football games since 2002. I felt as if I come full circle. Not because I had been a student, but because thru the University of Utah's career center, I found my job at Blue Cross in 1985. And because Blue Cross asked for volunteers for the Utes' Fan Fest, I was invited by Ray, a usher for the football games to come work at University of Utah as a seasonal employee. Funny how things work out.
I joined Facebook in 2008, thanks to an invite from my Janette, a former co-worker of mine at Blue Cross. My nephew, Brian was among my first four Facebook friends. Another was my co-worker, Penny. Soon I found myself connecting to roommates from college and my young adult days. Former and current co-workers became Facebook friends. I rediscovered high school classmates. And even found more cousins on Facebook. Mostly Jackson's, but some Boices too. And when my Mom passed away in 2012, I found support from my Facebook friends. Your kind words got me thru a difficult time. And I can't forget the prayers that my Facebook friends said in my behalf during the years. We really do need each other.
As I watched the "Look back" videos on Facebook, I was touched. I posted "I look at the Facebook movies that were made by my friends. I see the joys, the sorrows. And I realize how much we have all been blessed." Friends got married, had children, shared their struggles, got jobs, went and came home on LDS missions and posted pictures. Some made me laugh, some made me cried, some just made me smile. And I realized, I've been blessed and my friends too. Thank you, Facebook for being there 10 years.

The Last Gift

I knew before December 2012, that Christmas would be different. My mom had passed away three months before, so I knew it might be tough. I wouldn't be going to JB’s by Temple Square to get her a gift certificate, one less person on my gift list. But I knew things would be okay, because I had made thru many Christmases without my dad.

When we went home for Thanksgiving, Mike had given us a package that had come from National Geographic. Mom would usually give us calendars for Christmas and apparently before she got sick, she ordered our Christmas gifts. There was one for each of her 7 children and a date book that she got for herself.  (I kept the date book for myself, since I forgot to buy one for myself.) There was also a statement for the calendars. So as a final Christmas gift, I sent a check to the National Geographic. Since I was the personal representative for Mom’s estate, I could have used that money, but it didn't seem right.

Mike kept his calendar, so I didn't need to send him one. I went to the bookstore, bought some large padded envelopes and mailed calendars to my siblings who lived in California and Washington. John got his calendar soon after the New Year, because Jay and I left his behind when we visited him on Christmas day. It meant something to me to carry out Mom’s final wish; that we all got a gift from her on Christmas day. I was grateful that she was shopping for Christmas in July.

A week or so before Christmas, Laura got a request from Mike. He wanted a calendar for Christmas, something like what Mom would give him. I think she had already sent Mike something, so she sent an email out and asked if one of us would grant Mike's wish. So one day, I went to the bookstore on campus, bought him a calendar. It wasn't a National Geographic, but a Sierra Club wall calendar. Then I bought a large padded envelope like I did the year before and mailed it off.

I miss those calendars just like Mike. But I am grateful that Mom thought of us each Christmas. The calendars weren't much, but I believe that my mom gave all that she could to us for Christmas. Mom was a widow for 32 years and basically made ends meet on my dad’s social security payments. I will always remember her final Christmas gift to us. Even though, she was suffering that summer, she still thought of us. Thank you, Mom for loving me, Dad, my siblings and all of your grandchildren.

Forgiveness - My Thoughts

“He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love.”― Martin Luther King Jr. 

Over the past year, I have thought a lot about forgiveness. I even attended a workshop (or class) at LDS Single Adult Conference in May about forgiveness. It is one of the hardest commandments to live. Forgiving others is a constant battle for me. A few years back, I found myself saying “Susan, you don’t have to like that person, just don’t wish that person ill.” I found the anger inside leaving and kinder thoughts about that person being more frequent.  

I have seen examples in my life and I have read and heard stories of how the lack of forgiveness can affect lives and the lives of others. Recently over the pulpit, I have heard the story “A Piece of String”. A man was accused of robbery when he bent down to pick up a piece of string. Eventually he was released from prison when his innocence was discovered. But he never forgave those who put him in prison and would remind people quite a bit of why he was falsely imprisoned. On his death bed, this bitter man was still repeating the story of picking up a piece of string.  

Earlier in the year, I  read “Let It Go: A True Story of Tragedy and Forgiveness” by Chris Williams. It is a true account of what happen when he lost his wife and two children to a drunk driver. His first thoughts right after the accident was to forgive. At the time of the accident, Chris Williams did not know that the drunk driver lived in the same LDS ward as his wife’s parents. At the time this happened, I was a member of this same ward. Instead of the event dividing the ward, it united the ward. I am grateful that Chris Williams forgave. His decision to forgive affected more than his family. 

I thought of a friend, who passed away a year ago. When we worked together at the insurance company, we clashed. One December day, after both left the insurance company, I saw her at the temple. It was like whatever bad between us had happen was dissolved. What happened at the insurance company stayed there and was never mentioned. No apologies mentioned, but then the apologies weren't needed. We both let go of the anger and whatever bad was between us. She gave me a second chance and forgave me for being human. The atonement was able to work in our lives.