Letting It Go

As I put away the coat I wore this winter, I remembered the pains I associated with it. I received the coat in January 2002 in preparation of participating as a volunteer in the Salt Lake Winter Olympics. During the next month, I wore the coat faithfully as I served in the games, which was only when I was volunteering. (And going to and from the venue that I volunteered at.) After the games were over I was free to wear it whenever and wherever I wanted. To church, shopping, to the library, traveling, to work.

But I never really wore it work, unless it was a Saturday. I took it home once to Idaho, so I could wash it, but the coat mostly hung in my closet in my closet for the next 12 years. I didn't feel worthy to wear it. I associated my Olympic coat with being a team player, something I was told by a boss that I wasn't, because I had problems getting along with some co-workers. Because I had been one of the longest working employees in my department I was suppose to set an example. It didn't matter if my co-workers were older than me or had more work experience than me. I had to be a flawlessly perfect team player, giving it more than a 110% effort.
After I left employment in that company, I still felt uncomfortable wearing it. I did wear it a time or two at my present job, but because waistline of the coat falls somewhere in my hips, I didn't like wearing while riding the bus. Getting my bus pass out of my pocket that was buried by the coat was awkward. During the past summer I started wearing my bus pass/employee ID on a lanyard around my neck. It was nice not having to reach into my pocket to get my bus pass. When it got cold I pulled out the Olympic coat instead my Eddie Bauer coat that I got at a clearance sale more than a decade ago. I was tired of having a cold breeze go up my back when I got off the bus, even though the coat came to my waist and allowed me use my pants pocket freely. After a week of wearing the Olympic coat, the old feelings of unworthiness came back to haunt me. No, I am still not 110% plus perfect team player in the office. I still have problems getting along with some co-workers. As I walking to the bus after work one day, I told myself that I had earned the right to wear the coat. I had worked three weeks at 2002 Salt Lake Winter Olympics as a volunteer and the coat was part of my reward. It was past time to let go of guilt.
And so I wore it my Olympic coat the rest of the winter. Unless the thermometer was reading 30 degrees. Then I wore my red University of Utah hoodie. After all, I am a team player.
(I did not wear my Olympic coat during the Sochi Olympics. It was hoodie weather the whole time. Even in Seattle when I wore my LL Bean fleece jacket.)

Two Brothers

My dad, Lafe and my Uncle Kelland were the youngest of five children. It wasn't until they were both gone from this world that I realized the love they had for each other. Probably the biggest example of that love was in the children who carried on that legacy. I don't think my siblings and I would have the relationships with my cousins that we do if my dad and my uncle hadn't been best friends.
Uncle Kelland's family lived in Blackfoot, Idaho for a time while I growing up. While Dad visited with his brother, we would hang out with our cousins, whether it was Blackfoot or Paul, Idaho. Often my uncle and my dad would turn to each other when help was needed. This was probably my first impression of the brotherly love that they had for each other.

Just after my brother, Jay and I bought a condo, Mom brought down some old family photos. Instead of taking them off her hands, I scanned them into the computer and eventually a flash drive. There was picture or two of Uncle Kelland's family at our place and some of my siblings with our cousins before my attended college in Idaho. (Uncle Kelland's family moved back to Manassa, Colorado before I finished grade school.) Even without internet access, my uncle and my dad remained close.

And I see that same effort in us, their children. We have connected on Facebook, even with my dad's sisters' children. From time to time, John, Jay and I will meet with our cousins who live in the Salt Lake Valley for a Sunday dinner or dine out at nearby restaurant. For awhile, John, Jay and I would travel to Manti to see the pageant. We would spend the night with Lannette. And  when there is a wedding or family event, we get together.

And it is because of the example that our fathers set for us. We reach out to each other because they did.

Reflections on Facebook's Birthday

Facebook is 10 years old. I'm not even sure that I knew the term "social media" in 2004. Sure I emailed and surf the internet and I maybe heard of MySpace. As I reflect back on 10 years since Facebook was around, I realize the changes that I have made.
In 2004, I was already going thru a big change. The division I worked for at Regence Blue Cross/Blue Shield of Utah was down-sizing and I was apart of the down-sizing. It was year from hell, but when I think of 2004, what I remember the most is a Jackson family reunion. I traveled to southern Colorado with my brothers for a family reunion with some of my cousins, which was actually a Jackson brothers reunion. I saw kindness. Tyler, Emmalee's son was hung out with my nephews, Spencer and Brennan, who were younger than him. Coach Jackson got quite a few to run in the Manassa 5k. Pioneer Day was being celebrated in Manassa, almost like it was in Utah. William took us on Jackson Family history tour. I got to see the places my great grandparents and grandparents lived and worked. That Saturday night, we watched the Manassa fireworks from my aunt's backyard. And before I left that weekend, I discovered that my dad wasn't all English-American. Like his siblings, he passed on a French heritage and I found out why my Grandpa Jackson was Lafayette. Although Lafayette's mother was born in England, she was still proud of her French heritage. And I am too.
Since 2004, I have experienced joys and sorrows. Shortly after the new year (2005) started, I walked out of Blue Cross one final time as an employee. Just before April's Fools day, I entered full time employment at the University of Utah. I had worked as an usher at the football games since 2002. I felt as if I come full circle. Not because I had been a student, but because thru the University of Utah's career center, I found my job at Blue Cross in 1985. And because Blue Cross asked for volunteers for the Utes' Fan Fest, I was invited by Ray, a usher for the football games to come work at University of Utah as a seasonal employee. Funny how things work out.
I joined Facebook in 2008, thanks to an invite from my Janette, a former co-worker of mine at Blue Cross. My nephew, Brian was among my first four Facebook friends. Another was my co-worker, Penny. Soon I found myself connecting to roommates from college and my young adult days. Former and current co-workers became Facebook friends. I rediscovered high school classmates. And even found more cousins on Facebook. Mostly Jackson's, but some Boices too. And when my Mom passed away in 2012, I found support from my Facebook friends. Your kind words got me thru a difficult time. And I can't forget the prayers that my Facebook friends said in my behalf during the years. We really do need each other.
As I watched the "Look back" videos on Facebook, I was touched. I posted "I look at the Facebook movies that were made by my friends. I see the joys, the sorrows. And I realize how much we have all been blessed." Friends got married, had children, shared their struggles, got jobs, went and came home on LDS missions and posted pictures. Some made me laugh, some made me cried, some just made me smile. And I realized, I've been blessed and my friends too. Thank you, Facebook for being there 10 years.

The Last Gift

I knew before December 2012, that Christmas would be different. My mom had passed away three months before, so I knew it might be tough. I wouldn't be going to JB’s by Temple Square to get her a gift certificate, one less person on my gift list. But I knew things would be okay, because I had made thru many Christmases without my dad.

When we went home for Thanksgiving, Mike had given us a package that had come from National Geographic. Mom would usually give us calendars for Christmas and apparently before she got sick, she ordered our Christmas gifts. There was one for each of her 7 children and a date book that she got for herself.  (I kept the date book for myself, since I forgot to buy one for myself.) There was also a statement for the calendars. So as a final Christmas gift, I sent a check to the National Geographic. Since I was the personal representative for Mom’s estate, I could have used that money, but it didn't seem right.

Mike kept his calendar, so I didn't need to send him one. I went to the bookstore, bought some large padded envelopes and mailed calendars to my siblings who lived in California and Washington. John got his calendar soon after the New Year, because Jay and I left his behind when we visited him on Christmas day. It meant something to me to carry out Mom’s final wish; that we all got a gift from her on Christmas day. I was grateful that she was shopping for Christmas in July.

A week or so before Christmas, Laura got a request from Mike. He wanted a calendar for Christmas, something like what Mom would give him. I think she had already sent Mike something, so she sent an email out and asked if one of us would grant Mike's wish. So one day, I went to the bookstore on campus, bought him a calendar. It wasn't a National Geographic, but a Sierra Club wall calendar. Then I bought a large padded envelope like I did the year before and mailed it off.

I miss those calendars just like Mike. But I am grateful that Mom thought of us each Christmas. The calendars weren't much, but I believe that my mom gave all that she could to us for Christmas. Mom was a widow for 32 years and basically made ends meet on my dad’s social security payments. I will always remember her final Christmas gift to us. Even though, she was suffering that summer, she still thought of us. Thank you, Mom for loving me, Dad, my siblings and all of your grandchildren.

Forgiveness - My Thoughts

“He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love.”― Martin Luther King Jr. 

Over the past year, I have thought a lot about forgiveness. I even attended a workshop (or class) at LDS Single Adult Conference in May about forgiveness. It is one of the hardest commandments to live. Forgiving others is a constant battle for me. A few years back, I found myself saying “Susan, you don’t have to like that person, just don’t wish that person ill.” I found the anger inside leaving and kinder thoughts about that person being more frequent.  

I have seen examples in my life and I have read and heard stories of how the lack of forgiveness can affect lives and the lives of others. Recently over the pulpit, I have heard the story “A Piece of String”. A man was accused of robbery when he bent down to pick up a piece of string. Eventually he was released from prison when his innocence was discovered. But he never forgave those who put him in prison and would remind people quite a bit of why he was falsely imprisoned. On his death bed, this bitter man was still repeating the story of picking up a piece of string.  

Earlier in the year, I  read “Let It Go: A True Story of Tragedy and Forgiveness” by Chris Williams. It is a true account of what happen when he lost his wife and two children to a drunk driver. His first thoughts right after the accident was to forgive. At the time of the accident, Chris Williams did not know that the drunk driver lived in the same LDS ward as his wife’s parents. At the time this happened, I was a member of this same ward. Instead of the event dividing the ward, it united the ward. I am grateful that Chris Williams forgave. His decision to forgive affected more than his family. 

I thought of a friend, who passed away a year ago. When we worked together at the insurance company, we clashed. One December day, after both left the insurance company, I saw her at the temple. It was like whatever bad between us had happen was dissolved. What happened at the insurance company stayed there and was never mentioned. No apologies mentioned, but then the apologies weren't needed. We both let go of the anger and whatever bad was between us. She gave me a second chance and forgave me for being human. The atonement was able to work in our lives.

My Thoughts

A couple in my ward returned from their mission in Africa. Sister Curtis mentioned the good Nelson Mandela has done for South Africa and rest of Africa. Although apartheid is still alive; Nelson Mandela has done much for uniting Africa.  In Saturday's Salt Lake Tribune, The Associated Press quoted Learoto Moloi, which echoed what Sister Curtis said in church,  "For many years now, South Africans have got along with one another largely peacefully without Mr. Mandela having been active in the political sphere. In fact, Mr. Mandela's passing may be cause for many to reflect on the remarkably peaceful and swift racial integration of many parts of society, including schools, suburbs, universities, and workplaces." Moloi also said "Mr. Mandela will be viewed by many as having played a pivotal role in creating such a society." I like the words Bishop Desmond that were quoted earlier in the same article "The sun will rise tomorrow and the next day and the next. It may not appear as bright as yesterday, but life will carry on."
I was a full-time student at the University of Utah when Nelson Mandela was imprisoned. Some of the students protested South Africa's apartheid by constructing shanties on a piece of lawn between the Union and Orson Spencer Hall that faced the Marriott Library. The intent of the shanties was to leave them there until apartheid ended or Mr. Mandela was released, but the shanties were long gone before Mr. Mandela was released. The students may have also been protesting the support that American companies were investing in the South African government. Even though the mission of the student protest may not have been realized, it is a reminder of the global influence that Nelson Mandela had. I hope that Mr. Mandela's work will continue, not just in Africa, but here on American continents and the world. Racial, ethnic and gender inequality anywhere is unethical. "Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God;" Doctrine and Covenants 18:10

November on Facebook

Someone on Facebook must have posted a 30 day challenge in which people would express their gratitude daily. I saw a few doing this and I thought why not. So I posted each day, starting on a Sunday and ended 28 days later on the 30th. This was my list.

November 2, 2013

Quote by Marcus Tullius Cicero

"Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others."

Quote by Gordon B. Hinckley

"Gratitude is a sign of maturity...Where there is appreciation: there is also courtesy and concern for the rights and property of others."

November 3, 2013 Today, I looked out the window and saw that the sun had come to visit. This was a pleasant surprise because it was snowing earlier that morning. Don't worry, the snow didn't stick to the ground, so driving was okay. That is my gratitude quote for today.

November 4, 2013 As I was getting ready this morning at work, I thought briefly of things I didn’t have growing up or what I don’t have now. But instead of being depressed, I realized how blessed I was. My parents struggled to make ends meet, but never did or my siblings felt deprived or less than others because Santa didn’t bring us much for Christmas. I live in a economically diverse ward (LDS neighborhood congregation) that also has different kinds of families. But I don’t feel like an outsider because I make less than I did 10 years ago or because I don’t have children. My parents taught by example – They didn’t act like have-nots and that helped me realized I am blessed. I have a roof over my head, I have a job. I have friends; I have family. I am blessed and for that I am grateful

November 5, 2013 one of the things I like best about the time change; enjoying the sun set while I am still on campus

It's the 1st Tuesday of November, so I am grateful to be able to vote. (It was a city election)

November 6, 2013 Today is a friend's birthday, who has moved on. I miss her, but hey, she is in a better place now; not suffering, but watching over loved ones. I am grateful for getting to know her better after we both left the insurance company we worked for. I am grateful for that second chance. She really was a good and kind person.

November 7, 2013 so grateful for those who have forgiven me for being a human. It is such a healing process for me to know there are second chances.

November 8, 2013 Tonight I am grateful for weekends. We all need a break from work.

November 9, 2013 Grateful for the kindness of others.

November 10, 2013 I am grateful for the diversity in my extended family. I have been taught tolerance, understanding and acceptance.

Quote by John F. Kennedy

"We must find time to stop and thank the people who make a difference in our lives."

November 11, 2013 Thanks to all the vets! That includes Joe.
I forgot to thank one vet and that is my dad. He served in Alaska during World War II. Years ago, his sister, Isabelle sent his letters to me. I didn't learn much of what went on in Alaska, but it was nice to read his letters. As a result of serving in cold Alaska, my dad lost his hearing. He taught me compassion. Thank you, Hyrum Lafayette Jackson for serving our country and for the sacrifices you made.

November 12, 2013 Tonight I went to the church to help tie some fleece blankets for the Granite Foundation with some other women in my ward. One of the blankets I tied was a purple print fleece. It reminded me of my nieces. Someone in their ward or stake did a Sub for Santa one year for them. And then I remember someone leaving a box of food at our door. All we knew that it was anonymous neighbor because by the time we answer the door, the person was gone. I am glad for those serve their fellow man because as it says in the scriptures when you serve others, you serve God.

November 13, 2013 Grateful for little Sister Pugh. She isn't afraid to say what needs to be said or do what is needed.

November 14, 2013 I'm thankful for the example my parents set for me. Live simply, give and be content with what I have.

Today I was able to notice the clouds and sun setting as I walked to the bus. The haze has blocked the view that last 2 days. So grateful for clear colorful skies.

November 15, 2013 I am thankful for sunsets and sunrise. I am reminded to see the beauty in life and to take the time to pause.

I'm grateful for music. It has comforted me; has been an inspiration. It has offered me smiles and opportunities to ponder.

November 16, 2013 "Because I've Been Given Much" is one of my favorite hymns. I am reminded of how blessed I am and as the hymn says "I too must give". In July 1993, Jay and I were evacuated from our apartment complex because heavy rains leaking through some roofs that were under construction. My friend, Jewel Pugh let us stay with her family until we found another place to live, despite that her kitchen was being remodeled. Because of that act of kindness, I found the need to pay it forward. Her children, including Crystal who was a year away from making her earthly debut at the time of my homelessness, got quite a few Happy Meals from McDonalds and dinners at Cafe Rio and Panda Express. But I also found myself donating to food drive, giving to Red Cross and Road Home. When I started working at the University of Utah, I noticed that the Campus Store (aka Book Store) did a Utah Food Bank drive. So every time, I visit Ralph (or one of his co-workers) during November I fill out a red & white donation post card. I usually write someone's else name. Like a co-worker who is on maternity leave and even got a former U.S. president yesterday. (Someone else used "George Clooney"). It is something I have to do because others have taken care of me when I needed it.

November 17, 2013 I can't really think of one single thing that I can put in words that I am grateful for today. So I will just post that I am thankful for what I have, which is a lot when it gets right down to it.

November 18, 2013 When I got off the bus one morning last week, a woman asked where the other person was. I said I hadn't seen her all week. She then mentioned that other person seemed so sad all the time. She did mention that life elsewhere can be worse than what her life is. I said that is so true. As we went our separate ways, I realized I was grateful for gratitude and that I was able to portray a positive attitude. My mother showed me by her quiet example to focus on what I had and not what I didn't have. I don't know why the other person seldom smiles; I felt sad that her countenance gives people the wrong impression. Like her, I don't how my countenance affects others, but I am glad that others notice a cheerful outlook even when I'm not fully awake. I think that having a grateful attitude makes a difference. And this morning as I got my breakfast at the Union. When I saw the other person, she smiled back. Maybe she is just as asleep as me or maybe she just needs a smile every now and then.

I like the gratitude posts I see on Facebook. It is inspiring and uplifting. Thanks to whoever started it.

Quote by Deitrich Bonhoeffer

"In ordinary life we hardly realize that we receive a great deal more than we give, and that it is only with gratitude that life becomes rich."

Quote by Kahill Gibran

"You pray in your distress and in your need; would that you might pray also in the fullness of your joy and in your days of abundance."

Woke up, couldn't find my other shoe until the last moment. Made it to the bus stop in time. Got on the bus and it tried to die. But after 10 minutes, the driver revived it. While I sat on the bus with others, I asked myself if it would be a bad day. Then I remember the cliche "Never judge a day by the morning." The alarm kept going off on the bus, indicating the bus still had issues as it continued on the route. Thanks to the freeway portion on the route, I got to campus at 7:30. I still had time to get breakfast at the Union. Despite the rough start, my day was okay. So glad I had that cliche to set me straight. "Never judge a day by the morning." — feeling good.

I like the gratitude posts I see on Facebook. It is inspiring and uplifting. Thanks to whoever started it.

November 19, 2013 I'm so lucky. I have a tendency to spoil my nieces and nephews and it has gotten worse as I aged. But despite it all, Tracina has never shown an attitude because I gave more to her daughters or brothers than her. I think she realizes that my income increased after I finished college. Thanks, Tracina for being understanding and not judging me.

November 20, 2013 I'm thankful for Popcorn Wednesday!

November 21, 2013 Thankful for a warm home tonight.

I am thankful I got home safely tonight. The route I took home tonight goes past the mouth of Parleys Canyon where the wind likes to get a bit nasty at times. It was blowing pretty hard while I was waiting for the bus, so I am glad the wind didn't run the bus off the road in that area.

November 22, 2013 I'm grateful for gentlemen and tender mercies. I got on Trax and the seats disappeared quickly. Because I have poor sense of balance, I need to sit or stand against a wall when in a moving vehicle or elevator. As I got to a spot to stand, a middle aged man tapped me and offered me his seat. Then when we got to Courthouse stop, another man offered his seat to an older woman who had just got on. Yes, women, there are still gentlemen in the world.

November 23, 2013 Grateful for a warm bed.

And I forgot the blankets that my sisters gave me and the quilt my mom made me.

November 24, 2013 I'm grateful for the little miracles that happen daily and God hears the desires of my heart.

Usually on a Sunday morning, I pack lotion in my scripture bag when I go to church. But because it was Stake Conference, I took my iPad. It has another set of scriptures, a hymn book and a note app. My iPad bag had just enough room for my cellphone, keys and a small package of tissues. Before the meeting started, I had to visit the ladies' room. As I washed hands, I noticed they seem dry. I realized that by washing again, my hands would be more dry. I thought I would have to wear my gloves to combat the comfortableness. But I never got my gloves out of my coat pocket. As the meeting was ending two hours later, I realized my hands did not feel dry. It was a small miracle and I realized again that God does hear the desires of our hearts.

November 25, 2013 Grateful for my family who has a sense of humor. Blame it my parents and those who are related to them. Laughter is a good thing.

My cousins, David Jackson, Shiloh Jackson and Gayle Jackson were the inspiration for this. Thanks, guys, you saved my Monday.

November 26, 2013

Quote by Eckhart Tolle

"Acknowledging the good that you already have in your life is the foundation for all abundance."

Grateful for the times that my brother can be sane, understanding and whatever else a normal person is like. I never know what to expect when he calls or when I visit, but glad when he can be kind.

November 27, 2013 So glad for UTA. Thanks to them, I got to see the eye doc, pay a short visit to the vampire and even shopped at Walgreen's for toothbrushes and toothpaste. (Vampire was at lunch when I arrived to have some lab work done)

November 28, 2013 “There are none so impoverished as those who do not acknowledge the abundance of their lives.” Richard Paul Evans, A Winter Dream

What are you thankful for? Instead of the usual status question, this is the question that Facebook posed today. I am grateful that my brothers and I had a pleasant visit with my brother in Idaho. Dinner wasn't much, but it was last minute shopping. Having fish fillet from the frozen food section of Walmart is easy to fix. We were able to leave before the sun disappeared, so we got in a short visit with Mom. Before we got to the Idaho-Utah border, I got a picture of the sun setting. The Magic Valley has some of the best sunsets. And I am glad we got back before bedtime. Life is good.

And I am thankful that McDonald's was opened for breakfast on Thanksgiving. It was such a nice little surprise. So glad for little surprises.

Quote by Irving Berlin

"Got no checkbooks, got no banks. Still I'd like to express my thanks - I've got the sun in the mornin' and the moon at night."

November 29, 2013 I am thankful for days off with pay. There are times when I need a guilt-free rest from the stress of being employed.

Quote by Henry B. Eyring

"You could ask yourself, 'How did God Bless me today?' If you do that long enough and with faith, you will find yourself remembering blessings. And sometimes you will have gifts brought to your mind which you failed to notice during the day, but which you will then know were a touch of God’s hand in life.”

November 30, 2013 Grateful for spare change that is not in my purse anymore. McDonald's Ronald McDonald House Charities got all of it on Thursday, except for a dime. Now McDonald's Kleenex box size boxes have that dime and whatever I got since Thursday. Spare change does have it causes

Quote by Habeeb Akande

"Gratitude leads to a good attitude"

A Picture Can Create a Memory or Two

My brothers and I spent Thanksgiving day at home. When we left that afternoon, we stopped by Paul Cemetery to visit Mom.Since I had my iPad with me, I decided to take some pictures. Before I got to the grave, I shot this picture of brothers paying their respects to our mom.This afternoon, I was thinking of this picture and remembered something I saw during my childhood. Not sure if I was in junior high or not.
I was looking out the window one day when I saw what I thought was a funeral taking place in the corral. All the sheep and another cow in standing in line in one row. In front of them was a dead cow with his feet facing those who were paying their respects. Maybe those animals had seen my siblings and me perform funerals for our cats and dogs who passed on. And then, I wondered now if I really saw what I did. It has been a few decades since this happen and I never bothered to write it down, but I think I remembered telling one of my siblings. But whether it really happened; I do get a smile when I think about it. Farm animals have funerals?

50 Years

50 years ago, John F. Kennedy was shot in Dallas, Texas. Unlike most people alive that day, I can’t recall where I was or what I was doing. I was only 5 years old at the time. My family must have talked about it, because I knew it had happened. All remember is that my brother, Steven and I were playing once. I was President Kennedy and he was Lee Harvey Oswald. I didn't want to die, so I hid under a bed sheet and Steven pointed a finger or toy gun at me. I remember Steven telling me that sheet was no protection against a gun.

Although, it’s been 50 years, I still find that John F. Kennedy has an impact on me. Maybe it is because I share a birthday with him. But then I share a birthday with Bob Hope and that impact isn't there. Most of my family (extended and immediate) is hard core Republican. So why do I check out most of the stories about Jack Kennedy and sometimes his family? I think that maybe as a child I was touched by the tragedy. And maybe his sudden death had an impact on me.