July 13th - The fireworks have been used and whatever is left is stored for the next holiday that calls for such a celebration. The days get hotter as July rushes into August and I find my heart moving toward my mom. It was the 4th of July (3 years ago) when my brothers came back from Idaho with the news that Mom was losing weight and no one knew why. My pride prevented me from accepting this little fact. I really didn't want to face the reality that my mom could leave this life. I wouldn't go home to visit her, because I do not like to travel during the hot summer and my oldest brother who lived with my mom was (and still is) one of most cranky, argumentative and negative people I know. I deal with enough of negative attitudes with my job; I didn't want to spend my time off with more of the selfish attitudes. But I did call my mom. And it was good to hear her voice. Her voice was the connection that bonded me to her that late summer and early fall of 2012. As long I could hear her voice or grunts as the season progressed, I knew I was loved. I was comforted. I could move on.
July 14th - Delaina Sending you love.
July 15th - Dan In April of 1997 My heartstrings vibrate in sympathy with yours, Susan. Peace be unto you.
My thoughts
July 17th - I discovered mandalas thru Delaina Miller. She and Krisin Hatch published a few mandala coloring books. While I was on vacation, a 4th of July was posted on their Facebook page. I didn't have a printer at the time, so I was unable to print it. Then I got home and forgot about printing it, until Parade Magazine (an insert in the Sunday newspaper) published an article about mandalas and other adult coloring books. So, I logged into Facebook, went to my cousin's Facebook page and printed off two. I thought this was from the Circles of Healing book, but it's not. I chose yellow as my first color, which was my mom's favorite color. Then blue because it was my mom's second favorite color. And third color was green because it is my favorite color of all time.
July 19th - 3 years ago shortly after massacre at Aurora theatre, the Salt Lake Tribune (July 23, 2012) quoted Kenneth Berve, pastor at the Grant Avenue United Methodist Church and a witness to July 20th horrors. It was comforting to read (on my iPad) the following December when the Sandy Hook Elementary shooting occurred. I am thinking that his words were comforting in the months following my mom's death. I wasn't alone. I still had family who cared and a Father in Heaven who was mindful of the pain I felt.
From Facebook
July 24th - I found this picture of my mom when I was looking for others. I guess what caught my attention was that she was babysitting our valuables while my sister and I roamed the parking with our cameras. It is symbolic of what my mom did throughout her life. She watched over those she was in charge of. Her younger siblings, her children, her grandchildren, her parents for a time and of course, her husband. And then there were the neighbors and extended family. My mom took care of others as she took care of herself. Yes, she is sneaking some forbidden sweet treat as she tends her daughters’ purses and purchases. I think my mom knew that if she didn’t take care of herself, she wouldn’t be able to take of others.
July 24th - I found this picture of my mom when I was looking for others. I guess what caught my attention was that she was babysitting our valuables while my sister and I roamed the parking with our cameras. It is symbolic of what my mom did throughout her life. She watched over those she was in charge of. Her younger siblings, her children, her grandchildren, her parents for a time and of course, her husband. And then there were the neighbors and extended family. My mom took care of others as she took care of herself. Yes, she is sneaking some forbidden sweet treat as she tends her daughters’ purses and purchases. I think my mom knew that if she didn’t take care of herself, she wouldn’t be able to take of others.
And even though she is gone, I still feel that she is
watching over me, my siblings, her siblings and those she cared and loved. Love
doesn’t stop with a declaration of death. Love continues.
July 24th - Laura Davis Don't think I've seen this picture. I like it
July 24th - Jeannie Hatch What a beautiful sentiment Susan. You're mother was a beautiful hearted person.
- Me August 12, 2012 ·Whatever happens today (the day isn't over yet) or tomorrow; I know one thing- Life will go on.
August 12th -June heart emoticon
- August 12th - Delia (((HUGS)))
August 23rd - Last night my brother, Jay texted that Mike had fallen out
of bed, because the mattress was slipping. Both my sister and I texted back,
wanting to know if he was okay. I began to worry that maybe Mike might not make
it thru the night. I thought of three years ago when my Mom had such nights.
Each time, morning came and she was still alive. My concerns became less
worrisome and I was able to sleep, just before the alarm sound, I woke up and
realized there had been no texts or calls made. Life continued on.
From Facebook (3 years ago)
I thought I would share these post to show the support that my Facebook friends had for me. Andy Weir ended his book "the Martian" on this note “But really, they did it because every human being has a basic instinct to help each other out. It might not seem that way sometimes, but it’s true." and “If a hiker gets lost in the mountains, people will coordinate a search. If a train crashes, people will line up to give blood. If an earthquake levels a city, people all over the world will send emergency supplies. This is so fundamentally human that it's found in every culture without exception."
Me August 23, 2012 · Salt Lake City, UT ·Plans have changed. Mom is still going to Seattle to get cancer patient treatment from Bella. Bella worked wonders on her grandma a few years ago, so my Mom will be in good hands. I just won't be going to Idaho this weekend. Deb I hope all goes well. August 23, 2012 Michele Best wishes!August 23, 2012
Me August 25, 2012 ·I was sitting in the temple today and I was thinking of prayer, how is the least we can do but sometimes it is all we can do. Thanks to everyone who has kept my Mom and family in their prayers and thoughts this past month. It means everything. LuAnne And I think often it is the most important thing we do. August 26, 2012
Susan Jackson August 27, 2012 ·People are so kind to me and my family. Especially my Mom right now. Thanks for keeping her in your thoughts and prayers. June (((hugs)))August 27, 2012 Jeannie Oh Susan. I am so sorry. I pray that your mom is comfortable and without pain. Hugs my friend. August 28, 2012
Me August 29, 2012 ·Sad. But somehow I will get thru this. Bonnie i will pray August 29, 2012 Richelle You will get thru this. We will be praying for you...August 29, 2012 Lorna r u ok girl ?? hugs August 29, 2012 Susan (not me, a friend) hope everything is ok...August 29, 2012
August 29th
As I was reviewing some Facebook posts of three years ago, I came across this little diddy. August 25, 2012 ·"I think it is the best therapy. My Mom would agree." So I wrote this today "I posted this before my mom died. At her funeral, I was surprised to learn that she was chocolate addict like me. So now I am wondering how did I know my mom would agree with a Dove promise?" I must have been under quite a bit of stress three years ago.
August 30th
Three years later to the date, I made a meme of it. Mike gave my siblings and me another scare and somehow when Facebook reminded me of the memories I created on this date, it was there to remind me that sometimes I just have to go by faith.
September 1st
It was a Saturday night of Labor Day weekend. The pictures that my niece sent were a bit scary. I had serious doubts that my mom would make it through the night. But my niece remained calm and that helped. When I woke up the next morning to take my lovely pill, I noticed again that there were no phone made during the night. I thought of Hugh B. Brown's quote again and three years later, it is still a favorite. It was scary to see these pictures of my mom and it still is. But I remember texting my niece that my mom was a fighter and she agreed. Like Paul in the New Testament, my mom also fought the good fight.September 8th
"A smile that is infectious is healthy."This thought recently crossed my mind when I saw a picture that my friend, Deb posted. Her son is battling cancer again and in the picture he was smiling. It reminded me of this picture that my sister texted to us a week before Mom died. I wrote this on Facebook a day later My mom is smiling at the world. My sister, Mary texted this picture Saturday evening while Jay and I were at Stake (extended LDS neighborhood) Conference. When I saw this picture, I had to chuckle. This is her typical smile and it was so refreshing to see after the earlier pictures that Mary had texted. I saved it my card in my cellphone and then took the card out and into the PC. I printed off a copy for my brother who does not have cellphone or Internet connection. When I finished that I emailed to my aunts, a cousin and of course my siblings. Then I emailed it to Jewel, my adopted sister. When I got back to my iPad, I checked my email and saved the picture. Every time I open my iPad there is my Mom smiling at me. And now of course, thanks to the digital age, my Mom is smiling at the world. Yeah, a smile that is infectious is healthy. It was for me. September 9, 2012 at 5:07pm ·
September 14th
From Facebook
Coming to say Good bye
Just like 9/11, I will probably always remember where I was
and what I was doing when I got the news that my mom had passed away. I was at
the airport waiting for my flight to Seattle.
I was on my way to the Ladies’ room when my younger sister called to
tell me that she didn’t think my mom would make it. And then few minutes later
I was near Gate B15 when my older sister called to tell me
that mom had passed on. I was unable to show any emotion; not because I didn’t
care, but because I was in a very public place. So I texted my friends to share
the news. I got text back. I remember texting Jay to call Mike because of the
trust that Mike had in Jay. I wanted to scream or bawl out loud, but I knew a
public meltdown was the wrong thing to do; so I silently grieved. I doubt that
fellow passengers that day knew of my pain.
I was angry with my dad because I couldn’t feel his presence. For 32
years he had comforted me in my time of need. And this time he was nowhere to
be felt. Finally the call to board came and as I after I passed thru the gate,
I felt my mom’s presence. She had probably been there the whole time, I was
just too angry with my dad to notice. As I passed thru the tunnel to the
airplane, she walked with me. As the flight continued, I could feel her
presence behind me. She must have been in the chair because there was another
person seated next to me. I can’t remember if the person was male or female. My
mom’s presence wasn’t as strong on the plane as it had been after I passed thru
the gate, but I was able to enjoy the flight more with her there. I read some
short stories from Barbara Kingsolver's "Homestead and Other Stories" as the flight continued. I still
haven’t finished the book, but I have managed to read it on other Southwest
flights to Seattle.
The flight went better than expected, maybe because I had
the distraction of a book and/or I sat by the window during the flight. When
the plane landed, my niece greeted me with street tacos and a bottle of Jarritos
from a food truck, my second time to enjoy street tacos that week. My niece
told me that she was taking me straight to the care center to see my mom’s
body. I have a thing about dead bodies; I.do.not.like.to.touch.them. I didn’t
say anything; instead I took at my iPad and informed Facebook about Mom’s
departure from her earthly life. I had posted what I had wrote two weeks
earlier; that Mom was reunited with my dad and that she finally meant her
father-in-law. I figured that my Mom was a reunion of sorts with her family. We got to the care center where my sisters
were. I touched my mom and it wasn’t gross. My angel friend and heart adopted
niece, Crystal was right; dead bodies were soft to the touch. (I was at her grandpa;s viewing and she wanted to me touch him. I wouldn't do touch him.) I was also
surprised how skinny she was; my siblings had been right, she lost a lot of
weight fighting cancer and other health issues. We visited for a while until
the mortuary came and took my mom’s body away. I was the only daughter in the
room as mortician moved her from the bed into a body bag on the stretcher. He
zipped up the bag and as he wheeled her out of the room I gave my mom a
military-like salute. As it says 2 Timothy 4:7 “I have fought a good fight, I
have finished my course, I have kept the faith.” For that, my mom deserved a
salute.
September 19th
I was in Costco today with Jay waiting for tire changes on the car. We roamed around the store a bit and during one of my wanderings, I saw a gray haired woman that I recognized. It was my ex-boss from the insurance company. I didn't exactly have a wonderful relationship with her. Since I wasn't pushing a cart, I was able to squeeze by. Later I was sitting in the cafeteria area by the tire part of the store. I saw her and her husband leave the cashier after checking out. I headed to the tire store to check on the car and to hide. I realized I wasn't ready to tell her how my mom or my brother are doing. I imagined if she had asked how my mom was I would have shocked her with the answer "She's dead.". Maybe that would have stopped further questions, but I knew I wasn't prepared to tell her that my brother is in the hospital with a weak heart. Three years later, my mom is still a tender subject that I have hard time discussing with some.
September 22nd,
There are some mornings when all you can do is put one foot in front of the other. This was one of those days. We all got dressed and headed for the church for Mom's funeral. It would be the first I would see Mom's body since Seattle. It was the final good bye before she was buried. I knew she would look different than when I saw her in Seattle. For one, she would be all dressed up and not dressed for bed. But I have to admit I was surprised. She looked more like the clerk at the hotel we were staying in. Probably the only thing I recognized beside her glasses was her flat chest. It looked the same as it did in Seattle. Her hair was styled differently than she had worn it. Everyone kept commenting that she looked beautiful, but I just kept thinking that she didn't look like my mom.
September 23rd
The next morning after the funeral, we all headed home. As my brothers and I headed back to Utah, I looked at my mom's last picture (one where she is smiling and on oxygen) and pleaded with her to help me on the estate she left behind. Yeah, I was the lucky one who got that job; not sure what I did to deserve that. On the way down, we stopped to see the new Brigham City Temple that was dedicated that morning.When we returned to Salt Lake, Jay and I went to our stake center to attend a dedication session. One of women who I visit taught who knew of my mother's death asked how I was doing. I must having given her the impression that I was struggling because she recommended that I read a book about someone's near death experience. Little did she know that wasn't the problem. She didn't know that I concerned about my responsibilities at Mom's personal representative for her estate. I knew my mom was fine in heaven and that she was with loved ones again.
It was either during Mom's final days or the week before the funeral that my Aunt Gladys wrote in an email that when she read the scripture in Proverbs that she was reminded of Mom.
“Who can find a virtuous
woman? for her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely
trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and
not evil all the days of her life. She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh
willingly with her hands. She is like
the merchants’ ships; she bringeth her food
from afar. She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her
household, and a portion to her maidens. She considereth a field, and buyeth
it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard. She girdeth her loins
with strength, and strengtheneth her arms. She perceiveth that her merchandise
is good: her candle goeth not out by night. She layeth her hands to the
spindle, and her hands hold the distaff. She stretcheth out her hand to the
poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy. She is not afraid of the
snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet. She
maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple. Her
husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land. She
maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant. Strength
and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come. She openeth
her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. She looketh
well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness. Her
children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth
her.” - Proverbs 31:10-28
September 19th
I was in Costco today with Jay waiting for tire changes on the car. We roamed around the store a bit and during one of my wanderings, I saw a gray haired woman that I recognized. It was my ex-boss from the insurance company. I didn't exactly have a wonderful relationship with her. Since I wasn't pushing a cart, I was able to squeeze by. Later I was sitting in the cafeteria area by the tire part of the store. I saw her and her husband leave the cashier after checking out. I headed to the tire store to check on the car and to hide. I realized I wasn't ready to tell her how my mom or my brother are doing. I imagined if she had asked how my mom was I would have shocked her with the answer "She's dead.". Maybe that would have stopped further questions, but I knew I wasn't prepared to tell her that my brother is in the hospital with a weak heart. Three years later, my mom is still a tender subject that I have hard time discussing with some.
September 22nd,
Susan Jackson September 22, 2012Burley, IDLong tough day ahead.
(This is the first time I have been able to post this picture on any social media site. It's been hard for me to look at it. But as time moves on, it is easier to talk about my mom's death. Time may not be able to heal completely, but time allows the pain to lessen. )
Earlier in the week, my sisters and I chose the pall bearers. Mom originally had all my brothers and two or four others as pall bearers, but with Mike's refusal to leave the house, we decided that along with my three brothers, the oldest sons of each of my two sisters and my brother were chosen as the pall bearers. Mike was an honorary pall bearers along with the rest of her grandsons, her brothers, son-in-laws and two of Dad's nephews.
Susan Jackson September 22, 2012Burley, ID
Still tender. Mom is at rest. On the way back to Burley, we stopped at the cemetery for quick visit at Mom's new place. It is not far from someone's field and I think Mom would like that. Thanks to all the family and friends who came. I even got to see my old bus driver, Missy who did my Mom's hair and my 4H leader. I learned from my Mom's old home teacher that we shared an addiction - chocolate. The people of the Magic Valley are so kind. When we were going out to the cemetery, oncoming traffic pulled over. I have never seen that in the Salt Lake Valley.
September 23rd
The next morning after the funeral, we all headed home. As my brothers and I headed back to Utah, I looked at my mom's last picture (one where she is smiling and on oxygen) and pleaded with her to help me on the estate she left behind. Yeah, I was the lucky one who got that job; not sure what I did to deserve that. On the way down, we stopped to see the new Brigham City Temple that was dedicated that morning.When we returned to Salt Lake, Jay and I went to our stake center to attend a dedication session. One of women who I visit taught who knew of my mother's death asked how I was doing. I must having given her the impression that I was struggling because she recommended that I read a book about someone's near death experience. Little did she know that wasn't the problem. She didn't know that I concerned about my responsibilities at Mom's personal representative for her estate. I knew my mom was fine in heaven and that she was with loved ones again.
It was either during Mom's final days or the week before the funeral that my Aunt Gladys wrote in an email that when she read the scripture in Proverbs that she was reminded of Mom.
“Who can find a virtuous
woman? for her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely
trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and
not evil all the days of her life. She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh
willingly with her hands. She is like
the merchants’ ships; she bringeth her food
from afar. She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her
household, and a portion to her maidens. She considereth a field, and buyeth
it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard. She girdeth her loins
with strength, and strengtheneth her arms. She perceiveth that her merchandise
is good: her candle goeth not out by night. She layeth her hands to the
spindle, and her hands hold the distaff. She stretcheth out her hand to the
poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy. She is not afraid of the
snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet. She
maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple. Her
husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land. She
maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant. Strength
and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come. She openeth
her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. She looketh
well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness. Her
children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth
her.” - Proverbs 31:10-28 
