Earthbound Angels

What I remember is that it was spring 2000 and I was visiting my adopted family in Midvale. Some of their children and I had just gotten back from road show practice and I  was ready to head to my home myself when suddenly one of the local TV channels was broadcasting breaking news. A shooting had occurred at Chevy's which was two or three blocks away if one cut thru a school yard and a business or two. As we watched the news, we learned that two men had been shot and the man who shot them was still at large. I realized I wasn't going home yet. Jared had left his backpack in a neighbor's backyard. I went with him and an older brother or his dad to look for the backpack. The whole time I prayed that the angels that had been promised to protect me would protect my nephew. (Earlier when I had been set apart as a ward librarian, one of the bishop's counselors had blessed me with protection of angels; that they would watch over me.) My nephew found his backpack and we all headed back to the house, locked the doors and watched the news. Not much later, I decided to head home. It was a school night and I had to go to work the next day (at the insurance company, not the university where I am now). As I left the comfort of the Pugh's home, I begged the Lord to send the angels that been promised to protect me. My faith was shaky. As I headed north on 900 East, I noticed there was a patrol car at the end of a blocked off street. Behind the car was a police officer watching for any activity up that street. I called him my angel in blue and I realized that first responders were angels. Always there looking after us in our time of need.

It wasn't until there was shooting in my neighborhood that I realized that God had heard my plea that spring night in Midvale. That officer I saw that night was the angel God provided me to give me assurance that I would make it home safely to my old neighborhood.  For me, police officers will always be angels in blue.

My Recap at the End of Tragic Day

As the Spoken Word was finishing it's umpteenth broadcast, I heard sirens. I didn't think much of it. A police station is just down the street and a fire station is close by. Then I heard fireworks, which I thought was odd because it wasn't July or New Years. But then maybe the neighbor was celebrating something during the morning hours. It wasn't until I heard a helicopter fly over my neighborhood that I thought something wasn't right in my neighborhood. After looking out by balcony, I got dressed and went outside. I could see a firetruck and a few police cars down the street. It didn't look like a accident, but maybe a domestic violence incident. When I crossed the street to find out if the girl standing in her driveway knew anything, I noticed an accident up the street. I didn't think they were related. After conversing with her about either of us going to church or how to get there, I left and walked down the street where I saw some neighbors who I was more familiar with. When I got there, I saw my visiting teacher and she informed me that there had been a shooting and the bad guy was lying down in the street. Another neighbor who lived on my side of the street said an officer was down. That explained why there were a congregation of cops on my street. I spend another minute with my neighbors and then left to do more preparation for the Primary lesson I planned to give that afternoon. 

After going over my lesson one more time and packing my bag for church, I decided to see if there was any news about what was happening down the street. So I got on the Internet and found out that the accident on the corner and the officer down were related. During this time I texted some of neighbors to warn them not to come down my street when they came to church. After debating how to get there, I found church was canceled. I was relived, but a little stunned. So I remained on Facebook and KUTV link to find out what was happening. About 3pm, Sheriff Winder reported that Officer Barney had passed away and that Officer Richey was improving.  And lockdown had been eased, even though the street was still blocked off.

And this morning, traffic is flowing like normal on my street. One would not know there had been news teams, police and such camped out all the day the day before. Life goes on. 

Let's just say it was a busy year

2015. What a year. I'm grateful to made it through, but I would not want to repeat it. 2015 was a stressful year. But it was also a year that I was greatly blessed.

 As I sat on the bus this morning one last time for the year as it trekked through Research Park, I thought how I had my first procedure that I had the second Friday of then the new year. The night before my procedure I realized I had forgotten to ask Jay for a priesthood blessing before he left for Idaho to attend to our brother's needs. The procedure went well despite an unplanned procedure that had to be performed to do the procedure that was planned. As I was recovering over the weekend, I thought of how my family and friends prayers had been answered. I felt gratitude for those prayers. 

I had another procedure before January was over. Just a few hours before the procedure I found out that I would not be numbed as I had been told by my primary care doctor. Because I would be put to sleep I would not be allowed to leave the hospital without a responsible adult accompanying me home. So much for hopping on the bus for the trip home. I was glad that Jay was readily available. I didn't have to cancel and rescheduled the procedure. 

In February, I had another procedure that was related to the one I had two weeks before. My good friend, Jewel drove me to the hospital and was there when I got the news that the procedure had to be aborted because of a tear in my esophagus. I spent an uneventful night in the hospital. Jay came to visit me and we watched the planes fly in and fly out of the airport. It might have been a bad night, but I was grateful for the view I had. Although it didn't seem that prayers were answered during this procedure, they were. I healed quickly from my ordeal and taught six year olds in Primary the next Sunday. It also wasn't the time to take care of this problem. Sometimes prayers aren't answered in the way we want them, but answered in the way we need them. 

Toward the end of March, I had the big one; the surgery that required a leave of absence from work. The November before my mother died I had a MRI because the doctors were concerned about a mass that had been detected in my body. At that time I had asked my Facebook friends to keep me in their prayers, which at that time prayers were answered. Whatever was bothering my body at the time needed to be put on hold for a few years. God knew that it would have been too much for me to handle recovering from a surgery, coping with my mother's death and working on her estate. When it was time to care of the situation I was able to know. The doctor I went to at that time scheduled the procedure I had that second Friday of the year. Although procedure in Jan didn't take care of the mass that was detected in the MRI I had in 2011, the surgery in March did. Once more I went under and the doctor discovered the mass wasn't what the doctors had originally thought. My appendix also took a hike. The doctor later told me that everything had been caught in time; my appendix had never burst. Some prayers just take time to be answered. 

Shortly after returning back to work, I visited with the doctor who would be taking care of problem with swallowing. The tear in my esophagus happen because my throat had shrunk in size. I also found that I was allergic to potato starch (and later other foods). I also realized that I probably had the same condition that took my mom's life. Before she was diagnosed with cancer, she had problems swallowing. I was glad I had made a decision earlier not to bitter about my mom's death. I found myself fighting away bitterness that wanted to consume me. 

I took the summer off from procedures that required losing consciousness. It was a nice vacation, even when I took an actual vacation. While I was relaxing with my family on the Oregon coast, a verse in Psalms kept sneaking into my thoughts. "Be still and know I'm God".  Not actually sure why I got this prompting in July and not January.

Shortly after I returned back to Utah, my oldest brother's health declined rapidly. Just before my double procedures I had in August, my brothers rushed home to Idaho to convince Mike to go to the hospital. He refused their advise, but a neighbor from home (a CNA) kept checking on Mike. At the end of August, Jay rushed home again and Mike went to the hospital. He ended up being transferred to the same hospital where I had my surgery in March. I left work early to meet Mike when he arrived. While I waited I noticed that one of my neighbors was performing surgery on another patient. Although he wasn't Mike's doctor, it was comforting to know that he was there. Before he left that night, he stopped to talk to John and me. (Jay was still in Idaho tidying up loose ends.)

Mike eventually left the hospital and became a resident in a care center. I had two more procedures for my throat. After the one at the end of November I realized why the procedure I had in February was aborted (beside the fact the food slide got a bit crowded) was that I needed to focused on one health problem at a time. After my procedure in September, I finally took my eye doctor's advice and saw an allergist. I had more food allergies besides potato starch that were probably affecting my condition. Since my appendix was no longer distracting me, so I could now focus more on my throat. 

In December I was able to have the procedure I had aborted in February. It went well. I left the hospital soon after the procedure. The nodule in my stomach that had been discovered in the second procedure in January had not grown or had any activity. I felt my mom's relief when I entered the recovery room. When I was a teenager she had told me in a smart mouth way (moms are human too) that I would get ulcers because she had and so did her mother. Even though my mom was human, I think she could tell then what problems I would have in adulthood and she was trying to warn me.

The day before Thanksgiving I had my annual exam. Since the doctor I saw the year before had closed her business I found another doctor who had her office in the same building as my first procedure. As I left the building, I passed the surgical center doors. I looked quickly and the thought came to me "it could have been worse." I had been fortunate After each procedure and surgery, I heard the word "benign". Cancer was never diagnosed. In fact, blood tests had shown a weak sign for cancer. Prayers had been answered, thoughts were rewarded and love had been sent. Through out the stress I had been blessed much. I just had a busy year, even though the throat doctor said I was having a hard year. My Savior was with me in every step in 2014 and 2015.

(Side note or just a FYI - The only time I was diagnosed as pre-cancerous was at the dermatologist, but after the second office visit she declared my condition as benign. At the end of July, I had another annual exam. The day after I got a call to come in for a second opinion. After a doctor looked at the results of the second exam, she decided I didn't need a biopsy I feared I would need. I was definitely blessed this year. And before I forget Jay did find employment before I had my surgery in March. And Mike's health improved also. He's talking about moving back to Idaho, but he'll probably end up at John's house. 2015 wasn't all doom and gloom. My adopted niece came from her mission and married a few months later. Her best friend older brother also got married, a month after she did. Another nephew became a father to a darling and curious little girl. I celebrated my 10th anniversary of employment at the University of Utah.And I was blessed beyond measure. )

Following the Star

December 24, 2014

I was downtown Salt Lake on Tuesday when I decided to stop by Temple Square. I wanted to see if I could get a picture of the Wise Men who were part of a display outside the North Visitors Center and the Christus who is inside the North Visitors Center. At night, this is possible,but during the day, the buildings on South Temple reflect on the windows where one can see the Christus from the outside. So I decided instead to take a few pictures of the Nativity display which the Wise Men were included.

I saw the stable where Mary, Joseph and Jesus were and a few animals. And I saw the Shepherds with their sheep coming to the stable. On the east side of the display, ahead of the Wise Men were a women and young girl.They were not apart of the Wise Men or the Shepherds, but coming on their own to see Jesus. And it made me think. There were others who came to visit to Jesus. It made sense. Every one saw the unusual star that showed in the sky that night. The Star guided those who were seeking the Christ child.

My Talk at the Care Center

Earlier in the week, the counselor in the bishopric who is charge of Sacrament Meeting talks called and asked if I would give a 5 minute talk at the care center where my brother is a resident.

Gehrig ended his speech with these words after he had been diagnosed with ALS. He was grateful for the experiences he had and the people that he had associated with during his life. Although he had gotten a bad break, he decided to have a cheerful and optimistic attitude. He did as Dieter F. Uchdorf suggested -

I have this to be true as I have passed through challenges and trials. It seems that when I have been the most stressed is when I've noticed the blessings the most. People are willing to keep me in their prayers and thoughts when I have reached out for help. They have listen with their hearts. When I had my first surgical procedure, I forgot to ask for a priesthood blessing. Jay had been Idaho. My procedure was a success thanks to the prayers and thoughts said in my behalf.

In the Colossians 3:17 - 

I chose this scripture to ponder this week. Paul instructed the Colossians and us to give thanks and to remember Christ in all we do and say. We can be thankful in all our circumstances, whether good or bad.

Thomas S. Monson has said - 

In closing, I'd like to read the verses in Psalm 100 -

Although life can be hard, I have a lot to be grateful for.

Day of the Dead - post 3

Jay and I headed to the Magic Valley on Halloween to pick up a few things from the house. Since Day of the Dead follows Halloween, I decided to stop in at Dollar Tree to see what I could decorate Mom’s grave with. There was Halloween stuff, but not any for Day of the Dead. But I did manage to find something. When we got to the cemetery, there were graves decorated with Jack-o-lanterns and the usual flowers. It wasn't like Memorial Day, when cemetery is almost a parking lot or has the feel of a local park.

I took my sack of recent purchases and pulled out the glow stick and attached the butterfly that was included in the package. I don't know if Mom liked butterflies, but when I see something that resembles one, I think of Mom. I'm reminded of her love for me and that she still watches over me.

I wasn't sure if the glow stick would blow away, so I put it back in the bag. I had already stuck some silk flowers in ground, so I took the second group of silk flowers out. I laid those down on the grave stone. Mom's favorite color was yellow and her second favorite was blue. I figured Mom would like these yellow daisies, even though they were fake. Before I left I stuck the flowers in the ground on the opposite side of the grave stone.

Jay and I came back the next day. It was threatening to rain, but I decided to leave the butterfly glow stick on Mom's grave. I found a pumpkin candy bowl in the basement, so I decided to leave it behind while Jay and I went to church. As we were leaving the cemetery, I noticed another family visiting a grave of a loved one. While we were at church, the heavens opened and it rained, but not like it would in Seattle. I thought the bowl would be full, but there wasn't even a quarter inch of water in the bowl. I pulled everything out and stuffed it back in the sack. I hope Mom didn't mine, but I'd like to use the glow stick in next year's Light The Night walk and besides there is Mother's Day and of course, Memorial Day.

Journey with Mom

From Facebook
July 13th - The fireworks have been used and whatever is left is stored for the next holiday that calls for such a celebration. The days get hotter as July rushes into August and I find my heart moving toward my mom. It was the 4th of July (3 years ago) when my brothers came back from Idaho with the news that Mom was losing weight and no one knew why. My pride prevented me from accepting this little fact. I really didn't want to face the reality that my mom could leave this life. I wouldn't go home to visit her, because I do not like to travel during the hot summer and my oldest brother who lived with my mom was (and still is) one of most cranky, argumentative and negative people I know. I deal with enough of negative attitudes with my job; I didn't want to spend my time off with more of the selfish attitudes. But I did call my mom. And it was good to hear her voice. Her voice was the connection that bonded me to her that late summer and early fall of 2012. As long I could hear her voice or grunts as the season progressed, I knew I was loved. I was comforted. I could move on.
July 14th - Delaina  Sending you love.
July 15th - Dan In April of 1997  My heartstrings vibrate in sympathy with yours, Susan. Peace be unto you.

My thoughts
July 17th - I discovered mandalas thru Delaina Miller. She and Krisin Hatch published a few mandala coloring books. While I was on vacation, a 4th of July was posted on their Facebook page. I didn't have a printer at the time, so I was unable to print it. Then I got home and forgot about printing it, until Parade Magazine (an insert in the Sunday newspaper) published an article about mandalas and other adult coloring books. So, I logged into Facebook, went to my cousin's Facebook page and printed off two. I thought this was from the Circles of Healing book, but it's not. I chose yellow as my first color, which was my mom's favorite color. Then blue because it was my mom's second favorite color. And third color was green because it is my favorite color of all time.

July 19th - 3 years ago shortly after massacre at Aurora theatre, the Salt Lake Tribune (July 23, 2012) quoted Kenneth Berve, pastor at the Grant Avenue United Methodist Church and a witness to July 20th horrors. It was comforting to read (on my iPad) the following December when the Sandy Hook Elementary shooting occurred. I am thinking that his words were comforting in the months following my mom's death. I wasn't alone. I still had family who cared and a Father in Heaven who was mindful of the pain I felt.

From Facebook
July 24th - I found this picture of my mom when I was looking for others. I guess what caught my attention was that she was babysitting our valuables while my sister and I roamed the parking with our cameras. It is symbolic of what my mom did throughout her life. She watched over those she was in charge of. Her younger siblings, her children, her grandchildren, her parents for a time and of course, her husband. And then there were the neighbors and extended family. My mom took care of others as she took care of herself. Yes, she is sneaking some forbidden sweet treat as she tends her daughters’ purses and purchases. I think my mom knew that if she didn’t take care of herself, she wouldn’t be able to take of others.

And even though she is gone, I still feel that she is watching over me, my siblings, her siblings and those she cared and loved. Love doesn’t stop with a declaration of death. Love continues.

July 24th - Laura Davis Don't think I've seen this picture. I like it  

July 24th -  Jeannie Hatch What a beautiful sentiment Susan. You're mother was a beautiful hearted person. 

heart emoticon

From Facebook

• Me August 12, 2012 ·Whatever happens today (the day isn't over yet) or tomorrow; I know one thing- Life will go on.

August 12th - It was August 11th and my brother called very alarmed that Mom would not make it though the night. Mike expressed concern that she losing weight and couldn't eat. He also mentioned that she was quite weak and couldn't stand on her own. Needless to say, I went to bed stressed. This was a turning point for me in that I accepted the fact that Mom's health was failing. The next morning the alarm woke me up to remind me to take my daily thyroid pill. I realized then that my phone did not ring during the night. I thought of a magnet I had on the kitchen stove; Hugh B. Brown's quote "Night never had the last word. The dawn is always invincible." was such a comfort to read I those early hours. This got me through the next month as Mom's health continued to decline and as I struggled to work on her estate. It was a reminder that the storms of life eventually depart and that the dawn comes after a dark night.

August 12th -June heart emoticon

• August 12th - Delia  (((HUGS)))
• 
  

August 23rd - Last night my brother, Jay texted that Mike had fallen out of bed, because the mattress was slipping. Both my sister and I texted back, wanting to know if he was okay. I began to worry that maybe Mike might not make it thru the night. I thought of three years ago when my Mom had such nights. Each time, morning came and she was still alive. My concerns became less worrisome and I was able to sleep, just before the alarm sound, I woke up and realized there had been no texts or calls made. Life continued on.

From Facebook (3 years ago)

I thought I would share these post to show the support that my Facebook friends had for me.  Andy Weir ended his book "the Martian" on this note  “But really, they did it because every human being has a basic instinct to help each other out. It might not seem that way sometimes, but it’s true." and  “If a hiker gets lost in the mountains, people will coordinate a search. If a train crashes, people will line up to give blood. If an earthquake levels a city, people all over the world will send emergency supplies. This is so fundamentally human that it's found in every culture without exception."

Me  August 23, 2012 · Salt Lake City, UT ·Plans have changed. Mom is still going to Seattle to get cancer patient treatment from Bella. Bella worked wonders on her grandma a few years ago, so my Mom will be in good hands. I just won't be going to Idaho this weekend. Deb  I hope all goes well. August 23, 2012 Michele Best wishes!August 23, 2012

Me August 25, 2012 ·I was sitting in the temple today and I was thinking of prayer, how is the least we can do but sometimes it is all we can do. Thanks to everyone who has kept my Mom and family in their prayers and thoughts this past month. It means everything. LuAnne  And I think often it is the most important thing we do. August 26, 2012 

Susan Jackson August 27, 2012 ·People are so kind to me and my family. Especially my Mom right now. Thanks for keeping her in your thoughts and prayers. June  (((hugs)))August 27, 2012 Jeannie  Oh Susan. I am so sorry. I pray that your mom is comfortable and without pain. Hugs my friend. August 28, 2012 

Me August 29, 2012 ·Sad. But somehow I will get thru this. Bonnie  i will pray August 29, 2012 Richelle  You will get thru this. We will be praying for you...August 29, 2012 Lorna r u ok girl ?? hugs August 29, 2012 Susan (not me, a friend) hope everything is ok...August 29, 2012  

August 29th

As I was reviewing some Facebook posts of three years ago, I came across this little diddy. August 25, 2012 ·"I think it is the best therapy. My Mom would agree." So I wrote this today "I posted this before my mom died. At her funeral, I was surprised to learn that she was chocolate addict like me. So now I am wondering how did I know my mom would agree with a Dove promise?" I must have been under quite a bit of stress three years ago.

August 30th 

Susan Jackson August 30, 2012 " Sometimes you just have to go by faith." 

Three years later to the date, I made a meme of it. Mike gave my siblings and me another scare and somehow when Facebook reminded me of the memories I created on this date, it was there to remind me that sometimes I just have to go by faith.

September 1st

It was a Saturday night of Labor Day weekend. The pictures that my niece sent were a bit scary. I had serious doubts that my mom would make it through the night. But my niece remained calm and that helped. When I woke up the next morning to take my lovely pill, I noticed again that there were no phone made during the night. I thought of Hugh B. Brown's quote again and three years later, it is still a favorite. It was scary to see these pictures of my mom and it still is. But I remember texting my niece that my mom was a fighter and she agreed. Like Paul in the New Testament, my mom also fought the good fight.

September 8th
"A smile that is infectious is healthy."This thought recently crossed my mind when I saw a picture that my friend, Deb posted. Her son is battling cancer again and in the picture he was smiling. It reminded me of this picture that my sister texted to us a week before Mom died. I wrote this on Facebook a day later  My mom is smiling at the world. My sister, Mary texted this picture Saturday evening while Jay and I were at Stake (extended LDS neighborhood) Conference. When I saw this picture, I had to chuckle. This is her typical smile and it was so refreshing to see after the earlier pictures that Mary had texted. I saved it my card in my cellphone and then took the card out and into the PC. I printed off a copy for my brother who does not have cellphone or Internet connection. When I finished that I emailed to my aunts, a cousin and of course my siblings. Then I emailed it to Jewel, my adopted sister. When I got back to my iPad, I checked my email and saved the picture. Every time I open my iPad there is my Mom smiling at me. And now of course, thanks to the digital age, my Mom is smiling at the world. Yeah, a smile that is infectious is healthy. It was for me. September 9, 2012 at 5:07pm · 

September 14th

From Facebook

Coming to say Good bye

Just like 9/11, I will probably always remember where I was and what I was doing when I got the news that my mom had passed away. I was at the airport waiting for my flight to Seattle.  I was on my way to the Ladies’ room when my younger sister called to tell me that she didn’t think my mom would make it. And then few minutes later I was near Gate B15 when my older sister called to tell me that mom had passed on. I was unable to show any emotion; not because I didn’t care, but because I was in a very public place. So I texted my friends to share the news. I got text back. I remember texting Jay to call Mike because of the trust that Mike had in Jay. I wanted to scream or bawl out loud, but I knew a public meltdown was the wrong thing to do; so I silently grieved. I doubt that fellow passengers that day knew of my pain.  I was angry with my dad because I couldn’t feel his presence. For 32 years he had comforted me in my time of need. And this time he was nowhere to be felt. Finally the call to board came and as I after I passed thru the gate, I felt my mom’s presence. She had probably been there the whole time, I was just too angry with my dad to notice. As I passed thru the tunnel to the airplane, she walked with me. As the flight continued, I could feel her presence behind me. She must have been in the chair because there was another person seated next to me. I can’t remember if the person was male or female. My mom’s presence wasn’t as strong on the plane as it had been after I passed thru the gate, but I was able to enjoy the flight more with her there. I read some short stories from   Barbara Kingsolver's "Homestead and Other Stories" as the flight continued. I still haven’t finished the book, but I have managed to read it on other Southwest flights to Seattle.

The flight went better than expected, maybe because I had the distraction of a book and/or I sat by the window during the flight. When the plane landed, my niece greeted me with street tacos and a bottle of Jarritos from a food truck, my second time to enjoy street tacos that week. My niece told me that she was taking me straight to the care center to see my mom’s body. I have a thing about dead bodies; I.do.not.like.to.touch.them. I didn’t say anything; instead I took at my iPad and informed Facebook about Mom’s departure from her earthly life. I had posted what I had wrote two weeks earlier; that Mom was reunited with my dad and that she finally meant her father-in-law. I figured that my Mom was a reunion of sorts with her family.  We got to the care center where my sisters were. I touched my mom and it wasn’t gross. My angel friend and heart adopted niece, Crystal was right; dead bodies were soft to the touch. (I was at her grandpa;s viewing and she wanted to me touch him. I wouldn't do touch him.) I was also surprised how skinny she was; my siblings had been right, she lost a lot of weight fighting cancer and other health issues. We visited for a while until the mortuary came and took my mom’s body away. I was the only daughter in the room as mortician moved her from the bed into a body bag on the stretcher. He zipped up the bag and as he wheeled her out of the room I gave my mom a military-like salute. As it says 2 Timothy 4:7 “I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith.” For that, my mom deserved a salute. 

September 19th
I was in Costco today with Jay waiting for tire changes on the car. We roamed around the store a bit and during one of my wanderings, I saw a gray haired woman that I recognized. It was my ex-boss from the insurance company. I didn't exactly have a wonderful relationship with her. Since I wasn't pushing a cart, I was able to squeeze by. Later I was sitting in the cafeteria area by the tire part of the store. I saw her and her husband leave the cashier after checking out. I headed to the tire store to check on the car and to hide. I realized I wasn't ready to tell her how my mom or my brother are doing. I imagined if she had asked how my mom was I would have shocked her with the answer "She's dead.". Maybe that would have stopped further questions, but I knew I wasn't prepared to tell her that my brother is in the hospital with a weak heart. Three years later, my mom is still a tender subject that I have hard time discussing with some.

September 22nd,

Susan Jackson September 22, 2012 · Burley, ID · about 8:30am  Long tough day ahead.

There are some mornings when all you can do is put one foot in front of the other. This was one of those days. We all got dressed and headed for the church for Mom's funeral. It would be the first I would see Mom's body since Seattle. It was the final good bye before she was buried. I knew she would look different than when I saw her in Seattle. For one, she would be all dressed up and not dressed for bed. But I have to admit I was surprised. She looked more like the clerk at the hotel we were staying in. Probably the only thing I recognized beside her glasses was her flat chest. It looked the same as it did in Seattle. Her hair was styled differently than she had worn it. Everyone kept commenting that she looked beautiful, but I just kept thinking that she didn't look like my mom.

(This is the first time I have been able to post this picture on any social media site. It's been hard for me to look at it. But as time moves on, it is easier to talk about my mom's death. Time may not be able to heal completely, but time allows the pain to lessen. )

Earlier in the week, my sisters and I chose the pall bearers. Mom originally had all my brothers and two or four others as pall bearers, but with Mike's refusal to leave the house, we decided that along with my three brothers, the oldest sons of each of my two sisters and my brother were chosen as the pall bearers. Mike was an honorary pall bearers along with the rest of her grandsons, her brothers, son-in-laws and two of Dad's nephews. 

Susan Jackson September 22, 2012 · Burley, ID · between 8 and 8:30pm

Still tender. Mom is at rest. On the way back to Burley, we stopped at the cemetery for quick visit at Mom's new place. It is not far from someone's field and I think Mom would like that. Thanks to all the family and friends who came. I even got to see my old bus driver, Missy who did my Mom's hair and my 4H leader. I learned from my Mom's old home teacher that we shared an addiction - chocolate. The people of the Magic Valley are so kind. When we were going out to the cemetery, oncoming traffic pulled over. I have never seen that in the Salt Lake Valley.

September 23rd
The next morning after the funeral, we all headed home. As my brothers and I headed back to Utah, I looked at my mom's last picture (one where she is smiling and on oxygen) and pleaded with her to help me on the estate she left behind. Yeah, I was the lucky one who got that job; not sure what I did to deserve that. On the way down, we stopped to see the new Brigham City Temple that was dedicated that morning.When we returned to Salt Lake, Jay and I went to our stake center to attend a dedication session. One of women who I visit taught who knew of my mother's death asked how I was doing. I must having given her the impression that I was struggling because she recommended that I read a book about someone's near death experience. Little did she know that wasn't the problem. She didn't know that I concerned about my responsibilities at Mom's personal representative for her estate. I knew my mom was fine in heaven and that she was with loved ones again.

It was either during Mom's final days or the week before the funeral that my Aunt Gladys wrote in an email that when she read the scripture in Proverbs that she was reminded of Mom.

“Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands.  She is like the merchants’ ships; she bringeth her food from afar. She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens. She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard. She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms. She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night. She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff. She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy. She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet. She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple. Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land. She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant. Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come. She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness. Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.” - Proverbs 31:10-28