Loss

I lost my mom, but they lost their grandma.

 I look at this picture and  I see their long, sad faces. I wish I had just given them a hug instead of taking the picture.  Losing a loved one isn't easy when you are a teenager. I lost my cousin, Edward when I was in 9th grade. When I heard of his death; it seemed unreal. I can only imagine that is what my nephews are feeling when I look at this picture.  When Laura and I got back to house from the care center after the mortuary took Mom's body, Skylar went outside and jumped on the tramp a few times. His actions reminded me that life went on. It was comforting to see him on the tramp. Skylar had been waiting in the car most of afternoon while we waited for the mortuary to come and while we also made a few phone calls and preliminary funeral plans. He had been patience and probably had to release some stress. After all, his grandma just died.

As I was sitting in church this past Sunday, I realized I had something in common with these young men. Like them, I never knew my Grandpa Jackson. He died before my parents were married. Skylar, Brennan and Spencer never knew their Grandpa Jackson, my dad. My mom was a widow before either of my nephews parents had been married. As I was growing up, I missed knowing my dad's parents. (Grandma Jackson died shortly after my oldest brother was born.) Maybe the sadness I see on my nephews' faces are of missing another grandparent. And then maybe I can understand their pain. Losing a grandparent is tough.

The Hippie Bus

I notice the Hippie Bus last spring, but it could have been there from the semester before. It was a old small yellow school bus that looked lived in. Turf (from the stadium?) covered the body except for the windows and the hood of the van. There were curtains in the windows. As I walked most days to my spot at the Trax station,  I noticed at times there were things hanging from the front where the head lights would be. Most days it was there always facing south, but that was because it was parked on a one way street (or alley). When Spring semester ended, I thought the Hippie Bus would go away. But after a week it came back, close or in the same spot as before. The last time I saw the Hippie Bus, a young man was driving it toward 500 South. He didn't look like a hippie, but a regular student. Fall semester is well under way and the Hippie Bus is gone. As I wait for the train to come take me away, I look at the spot where it was parked and I miss the Hippie Bus.

My Memories of Mom

My earliest memories are growing up. I remember once Mom asked to help Laura wash the dishes and I didn't want to. I remember slamming a melmack (plastic dinnerware popular in the 70's) plate into a sink full of dishes. The plate received a major chip and had a crack, but it was still useable. Every time I saw that plate, I was reminded of my anger. I am not sure if I learned my lesson to hold my tongue, but I am glad that my Mom silently put me in my place.
I remember her picking me and my siblings up at school sometimes and for Primary every Wednesday. That was just who she was. Looking after her children. I remember going to her genealogy books and being fascinated by those legal size sheets.
Once I was having a problem getting along with one of my friends, it was either junior high or high school. I don't remember what she told me, but I remembered that she listened and that she cared.
When I graduated from the University of Utah, she was determined to attend the ceremonies with Steve and me. She regretted not being able to be there when I got my Associates from Ricks College years before. Steven led me on a final campus tour before I turned my cap and gown in at the bookstore. She trailed us for some of the tour before finding a place to rest.
I remember trips to Colorado and Blackfoot, Idaho to see family. I also remember a trip to Olympia to see Mary's family. Not everyone came, but we had a good time. It was fun to visit Victoria, Canada. We took the ferry there. It was my only time out of the country. We took a few trips to Seattle together, both by plane and car. 
Aunt Gladys, Mom and I took a two week vacation in the Midwest. Our destination was Nauvoo. Aunt Gladys would comment that Mom had a habit of falling asleep in the back seat like their father did during Sacrament Meeting (church service). Mom said she was just along for the ride and grateful to be included. Mom said once during the trip that she figured this would be her last chance to see Nauvoo and some of the other places we visited.
When I flew out on Southwest, September 14th, to see Mom for a possible last time. About an hour before boarding, my sisters called to tell me that Mom had left this mortal life. I felt lonely until I was standing in line to board the plane. I realized she would be making this trip with me. One of my first flights to Seattle was with Mom on Delta, which is the airline she always flew. I was grateful to have a final flight with her and to know that she will continue to watch over me.

Posts From a Email & Facebook

To be read to my Mom
August 25, 2012 10:01 PM
Thanks, Mom for taking care of me. I think you put a lot of investment in me. I was glad that I could hear you tonight. Granted I did have my good ear pressed to my cellphone. I have realized recently that my hearing has declined in the last decade, but I am glad for the hearing I have. Your voice was weak and I'm pretty sure you weren't speaking directly into the phone, but I got to hear you. Thanks for all those trips to Salt Lake for my hearing tests and for staying with me when I had my operation. The bones in my left ear may have grown back together, but the operation wasn't in vain. I think I learned compassion and to have faith. I don't think I could have gotten thru losing Dad and my other trials if you hadn't spent the time caring for me. I think you did a pretty good bang up job on me.  I'm glad that Laura is able to take care of you. I think she taught us all to be a fighter and to have faith when the outcome isn't so sure. I'm pretty sure Mary was using her as example when she had cancer. I've learned a lot from Laura, even though she is my younger sister. I don't why Mom but when I think of the fight you are fighting now, I feel a peace. I don't know the outcome, but I know that somehow things will work out. Dad is watching over you and he has watched over all of us for the past 30 something years. Love is eternal.  Well, Mom, get some rest, drink your Boost and let Bella and Mo give you cheer. I love you and I always will.
Take care. Susan 
Perseverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages. General George Washington

A smile that is infectious is healthy.

My mom is smiling at the world. My sister, Mary texted this picture Saturday evening, September 8th, while Jay and I were at Stake (extended LDS neighborhood) Conference. When I saw this picture, I had to chuckle. This is her typical smile and it was so refreshing to see after the earlier pictures that Mary had texted. I saved it my card in my cellphone and then took the card out and into the PC. I printed off a copy for my brother who does not have cellphone or Internet connection. When I finished that I emailed to my aunts, a cousin and of course my siblings. Then I emailed it to Jewel, my adopted sister. When I got back to my iPad, I checked my email and saved the picture. Every time I open my iPad there is my Mom smiling at me. And now of course, thanks to the digital age, my Mom is smiling at the world. Yeah, a  smile that is infectious is healthy. It was for me.

My Mom is well. She is with my Dad once again and having a joyful reunion with her  sister, Verla and her parents. She has even met my Grandpa Jackson for the first time.  I will miss my Mom, but I have the faith that she is where she needs to be with her family that she hasn't seen for so long. Mom, like my Dad will continue to watch over me. Thank you all for your support and prayers during this ordeal. It has meant a lot. Prayers were answered and will continue to be answered.
(I can just see my Dad introducing my Mom to her father-in-law "Dad, this is LaRee, the young woman I married.")

Thanks to the examples of others, I can face this challenge. When my Dad died 30 plus years, I remembered a classmate who had grew up without her father and that gave me courage to forge on. And now that my Mom has left this mortal life, I look at the example that my friends have set, who have lost their parents and realize I can sum the courage to move forward. Thanks for your examples that you didn't know you were setting for me; it has been most appreciated. 9/18

Robin Cook, Jewel & Me

8/18 @ 9:51pm Susan to Jewel: I bought Crystal a Robin Cook novel. Bit of a long story.  I need her address.
8/19 @ 8:29am Jewel to Susan: Well we delivered Crystal to her apartment at Snow yesterday. Such a busy day. But she is settled and having a blast. I don't have her mailing address yet but I'll see if she knows what it is. What novel did you get? I have read a lot of Robin Cook. Like his stuff.
8/18 @ 8:31am Susan to Jewel: Death Benefits. You got me hooked on Robin Cook so I thought I would get Crystal hooked.
8/18 @ 8:32am Jewel to Susan: Good idea
When I attending the University of Utah back in the 1980's, Jewel gave me "Blind" by Robin Cook to read. I looked at the book and thought there was no way that I would find the time to read it. I working full-time and going to school four nights a week. I had heard of Robin Cook's "Coma"; it had been made into a movie that I never saw. So when I got home, I opened the book and started reading. I gave it my shot. Despite working and studying, I finished the book. Before I graduated from the U, I read a few more Robin Cook novel. And after college, I walked to the library and read more Robin Cook novels. I even found other authors to read. I got into Tom Clancy for awhile, but then one of his characters weirded me out and I gave up on his books. Even though Robin Cook has slowed down and seems to be semi-retired, I still catch his books now and then. Jewel has introduced me to a few other authors like Mauve Binchy and John Grisham. But I won't get Crystal addicted to those authors, just Robin Cook. He was the first and being a nursing student, Crystal may identify with the settings his books take place - the hospital. But then she may decide she needs a break and will read Richard Paul Evans or Jodi Picoult. But when it gets right down to it, I hope that Crystal will be able to find time in her busy college life to read a good book or two while she is cramming for midterms and writing thesis.  
"What isn't tried won't work." Claude McDonald

For the love of chocolate I finally got Crystal's address. She texted it to me (and then I texted it to Jewel). I included Godiva chocolates with the Robin Cook book and a few other things. I mailed it off at the Campus Store post office. And then I checked everyday to see where the package was at. It took forever getting out of Salt Lake County, spent some time in Provo. On Monday I checked the status and it said it was out to delivery in Manti. I panicked and sent Crystal a text telling her I was so sorry that she would not get her chocolates that day. Just as I stepped into the Trax station at the stadium, I saw Crystal's text. She had just gotten the package and was so grateful. I think I am learning how the mail system works in a small town. Funny I grew up in a rural area. Things have changed since I've lived in the city, especially the postal service.

My Summary for August 2012

Night never had the last word. The dawn is always invincible. - Hugh B. Brown 

I thought of that quote when I woke up early on Sunday, August 12th. My brother, Mike had predicted the night before that Mom would not make it thru the night, she was too weak. I realized at 5:30 am that there had been no phone call. (it wasn't until later that morning that I found out Mike had called Jay at 4:00am.). Mom had made it thru the night; dawn had come and the night did not have the last word. My Mom was diagnosed with stage 4 non-Hodgkin Lymphoma cancer in August. She had been having problems eating most of the summer. Mike said she was fasting because of the evils that others had done. Little did we know that the reason she could not eat was because she could not swallow. My younger sister, Laura rushed home to Idaho from her vacation in Utah to be with Mom. The situation was not as dire as she was told. Laura took Mom to the doctor the next day while her husband and son traveled onto Seattle. During Laura's two week stay, Mom was diagnosed in degrees with stage four non-Hodgkin lymphoma cancer. Mom was able to continue her treatments in the Seattle area.
Life for my siblings and I continued to be an emotional roller coasters. There were days when the dawn signaled that the night had not had the final word. My Mom had made it thru the night and was ready to face another day. Thru her example, Mom was giving me and my siblings the strength to make it through the difficult night. The night will not have the last word, my Mom is fighting the good fight. The dawn is always invincible.

1st Day of School (this week and a hundred years ago)

School started tjos weel om Salt lake County. Some of my Facebook friends posted pictures of their children's 1st day of school.  It bought memories of my Mom lining us up by the mailbox and taking a picture of us before the school came to take away. (Freedom for her, but a prision sentence for us.)

This is the picture my Mom took on my first day of school. as you can tell I was quite excited. I was a big girl now (like my siblings.)  I don't think my sisters and for sure not my brothers were too thrilled.  Not sure if it was the picture taking that dampened thier spirts or waiting for the bus to take us back to prision, I mean school. It could the thought of spending 6 hours too long in an un air conditioned building.  Maybe my brothers were dreading Sam Jones, because my excitement wasn't rubbing off them. I really didn't have a clue what I was getting into. I was doing something my older siblings did 9 months out of the year. Little did I know that Pigs In A Blanket (a shrunken wiener wrapped and baked in bread dough) were sometimes as a main course for lunch. But I did like my teacher, Mrs. Swan. So yeah, I had a reason to smile.

An Adventure With a Silly Sticker

But my attitude plummeted early Monday morning when I found out I had to wear sticker in a respectable part of my clothing. It read "May I Help U". No one was to crazy about wearing that sticker for the next three days. Someone higher up in another division had decided it would be a good idea for those who work in Student Services to wear it. The students are not hesitant to ask for help if they need it. The skinny coed was hungry and she approached me I wasn't wearing the annoying sticker.  Not everyone in our department wore a sticker; just most of us in the tuition/student loans wore it. The cashiers who work directly with students didn't wear their stickers. One person was tempted to wear it Fonzi (Happy Days) style. When I went to lunch, I was tempted to post to one of wide cement poles that hold up the building, but I knew it wouldn't stick. I almost removed it and stuck it on a toilet paper roll dispenser, but I thought my boss, Lisa would find it.

But after lunch, I grew weary of wearing it and stuck it on (not in) my trashcan under my desk. Lisa was so busy putting out fires in tuition that she never noticed it. I don't think she was wearing a sticker, but Pat did. I wonder if he was still wearing it when he left work at three to pick up a train wreck. (don't ask, long story)

 The next day I waited until after 8am. I was not thrilled to wear this sticker again, not even a fresh one. (I was given the three.) But after my the sticker police, my boss, Pat, went thru the office. I put it on. Not everyone did. Arnold (name was changed to protect the innocent) refuse to wear it. One day was enough. No one really forward to another day of a dumb idea. When I went on break, I stuck it to my monitor so I'd remember to wear the silly thing when I got back. After break I got creative with my camera in my cellphone. If I had to wear that sticker I could at least get some entertainment out of it.

After joking about it being a final resting place, I could not resist.

 I may not be wearing it, but I am still asking "May I Help U"

My sentiments exactly - not a bright idea

On the third day I got to work and I did not want to wear that sticker not even a fresh one. So I left the 3rd sticker untouched.

But after break I put on. I decided I needed some more adventures. I noticed that Arnold posted one of the stickers by the front desk, where students could see it. 

But I have to admit wearing that sticker is beneath me.

And no, I'm not pledging alligence to the flag, I'm covering up the sticker.

And at the end of the day, I just want to wash my hands of any silly sticker wearing.

1st Day of School

I wasn't in an episode of Lost On Campus like I was last year. As I walking across campus after I got off the bus, only one person asked me for directions. The skinny coed wanted to know where some food was at 7:30am. I pointed her toward the Union. It wasn't as crowded as last year. I didn't anyone looking at the maps located through out campus or anyone ask another person for directions. It was like the lost freshman were at another campus or still on the freeway. But when the day was over and I was riding home on Trax, I realized that for a Monday and the 1st day of school; it wasn't a half bad day. Even wearing a stupid sticker didn't make that much of a dent. And there was no confused mother from an episode of Lost On Campus.